Hello loves, I want to chat to you as this feels like my safe place to talk, meaning I am not much of a talker or social butterfly in new situations or big crowds.
I recently went to celebrate a beautiful and dear friend’s Bachelorette
party eight hours away. I was very nervous to make the trip with a girl I knew
but had never visited with one on one. I knew she was a sweetheart but was
still nervous as my anxiety always rises when I do things out of my comfort
zone. I decided to go on the trip and it meant a lot to me to help support the
bride who has a heart of gold and the best personality.
The eight hour drive went great, thankfully my road trip
companion was a total doll and so amazing to get to know, a really great person
to now know a little better. On the long drive I felt since we didn’t know each
other very well I could express some of the issues I was going through and as
did she. However when it comes to me sharing, once I’m comfortable with you I
have no problem chatting and gabbing your ear off, but later on after I am
alone I sit and think, what if that person tells everyone my issues, then
everyone will know and I get very
insecure and judge myself for sharing my life with someone. I regret
even talking although it feels so nice to connect and share with others I will
sit and toil over every word I expresses and how that made me sound or how it
was digested by the other person, what do they think of me, what if now
everyone will know my deep dark secrets?!
I’m sure you’re reading this and saying to yourself, this
chick is absolutely bonkers! She expresses everything on the internet for
everyone to read but she regrets talking to others? This is a huge aspect of my
anxiety one I have dealt with since I was a tween or younger. When in new
situations and I am socializing and offer advice or comments, I retract like a
hermit crab into its shell and let my anxiety ridden thoughts take over,
thinking why did I say that? That was a silly thing to say? Everyone thinks your
silly? Anyone know what I mean? Or am I cray cray as they say.
It helps if I really am trusting and comfortable with the
person, then my anxiety is lessoned and eased by trust and it doesn’t take
control of me trying to socialize, but that is rare. In large groups or meeting
new people I usually feel the safest way is to shut down and not talk and just
listen. I will take a back seat and stay silent and let others socialize as I
watch, feeling that’s the safest thing I can do, then however I start to think
I may come across as snotty or conceded when I am sitting there not talking,
that’s not the image I want to express and worry that by letting my anxiety win
and remaining silent is actually not the safe solution at all.
So what is the right thing to do? Maybe it’s to express how
I feel on here and hope that I will find the answer by opening up to others in
my safe place. I consider my blog a safe place as of now as it’s my creation
and expression, something I can direct and be completely who I am, many flaws
in all.
I sit here and type this trying to work through my thoughts
on regretting sharing my life with my road trip companion. I thought if I could
write and express myself maybe I could work though these thoughts. It’s an
awful feeling to always feel the pangs of regret lurch in your stomach after
every time you socialize. I hope by working on my anxiety in the future as I
plan to this year. (Year of Change) I will learn the skills necessary to
overcome and surpass these issues.
My man G is the same as me when it comes to socializing so
we both understand each other very well and have each other to cling to when we
need to and talk with and re assure our and deplete our anxiety together as a
team. If anyone suffers from the same issues, just know that you are not alone
and it’s okay, if we are honest and express how we feel maybe “us” non-social
anxiety personalities can all form together and be the ones who end up chatting
and socializing together!
Thanks for stopping by my loves
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