Disclaimer:
to put my mind at ease I wanted to add this disclaimer to all of my “over
sharing circle posts”. There will be five in total in the series. These
subjects will be detailed and personal and if you’re not comfortable with them,
please avoid reading them, as I don’t want to offend anyone. I plan on writing
about these subjects and touching on them many times in my future posts, but
will be going into personal depth in this series and feel the disclaimer
necessary. These subjects will all circle back and intertwine with each other,
hence: “circle posts”.
POST FOUR: INTAMACY ISSUES
This is the touchy subject I intended for the disclaimer
above. If this makes someone uncomfortable I apologise but this has been a
struggle for me and to get to a place where I’m open and honest, I feel it
necessary to talk about it. Once it’s out and written maybe it won’t be so
taboo and I will feel better.
I am writing all of this to get me closer towards my goals
and to be able to solve these issues and move past them. My blog will show my
struggles, my journey and everything in between. I hope to find the lighter
side of life and show that on my blog in the future. For now here I am. Here I
go……
Going through my battles with depression has caused weight
gain and weight gain has caused anxiety and anxiety causes binge eating and
binge eating causes me to gain more weight which in turn makes the intimacy in
my relationship fizzle which gives me more anxiety then the circle continues
and only gets worse.
I have never had a high sex drive and dealing with weight
gain makes me very self-conscious and only diminishes it further at this point
in time to what I would only describe as non-existent.
Before I continue I will give some background information to
help those who are reading this.
I have been with my boyfriend G for nine years and we had
sex a few months into our relationship I was 17 and we both fell in love and
everything felt right. I didn’t have a high sex drive and neither did he, it
was very normal to start with. We live together now and are in a committed
relationship. I don’t have plans of marriage or plans to have children. I am on
birth control. I believe whatever you feel is right when it comes to having sex
is what you should be doing. That could be waiting for marriage or not.
When I started gaining weight I immediately pulled away from
G, I couldn’t look at myself naked how could I let him? I would tell him no so
often it would cause fights and anger in our relationship. Sometimes I could
let go and have sex and sometimes I would be so in my head I just wanted to cry
the whole time. I love my boyfriend and being intimate, it’s a part of being a
couple, so when you’re not having sex it causes tension and ill feelings. Me
and G would have the same talk over and over when I would push him to his
breaking point. He would re assure me at any size he loved me and not to feel
the way I felt. I would cry and it might get better for a few months but then
the same thing would happen again the same fight because of the same struggle I
was going through. Depression Anxiety and Weight Stress.
It got better when I lost weight, I felt better about myself
and was able to let G see my naked and have sex, that didn’t last long as my
weight came back on very quickly.
It’s been years now as ashamed I am to say that the cycle
has continued. I have zero desire to have sex although I still love and am attracted
to G and want to have sex as that’s an amazing part of loving someone, the
thought of being naked makes me cringe and cry. I just can’t and don’t. Lately
G has stopped asking and we have lost that part of our relationship. My head is
filled with constant anxiety of losing G because what I have done to us and
him. I recently wrote out my feelings on a paper expressing my fears and the
guilt I had because what I was doing to him and us. He wrote me back two pages
of such heartfelt love that I know he is still there, hanging on. There is no
man who I feel could withstand the hardships we have had in our relationship.
He is beyond amazing.
I have been tested regularly for my hormone levels to ensure
their in not anything medically wrong with me, now bring on medication for
anxiety and depression can lower your sex drive even further. I have not
noticed as I had none before. I feel I am alone in having such a low sex drive?
No doctor has offered an explanation than that I need to address my anxiety and
depression in hopes to resolve the other problems occurring in my life.
I have even had a discussion with G’s best friend, while
crying at wedding of a friends. G had too many drinks and wanted me to sit on
him and kiss him and show affection. That’s not an awful thing to request from
our GF? Is it? No. I got very upset as I
am not comfortable displaying affection as I am so withdrawn because of my
weight gain and feeling ashamed. I talked to his friend and saw his side of
things, he gave me such a nice pep talk, and I can’t thank him enough. He was
so insightful and helped me, I think of our conversation often. Thinking of it
reminds me of how long ago the conversation took place and that things have
only gotten worse.
I keep thinking it can’t stay this way much longer as it’s
not healthy to have a sexless relationship. I have been so unfair to G and he
has been so patient. Its time I really took care of myself and my health and
made myself a priority. I feel this is what I need to do so I can feel good about
myself which will help with my sex drive.
I feel selfish saying I need to focus on me when I haven’t
been focusing on G in so long. He needs attention and to be blunt he needs to
have sex in his relationship.
I hope I can change for me and for us, gain the self-worth
and self-confidence I need to feel comfortable in my relationship to be
intimate. We are so much better when we are intimate, I mean it’s an amazing
thing I am depriving myself and him of. I know I need to change. It’s very
difficult to go through and express as it seems to be taboo to even type the
word sex, let alone say I have no desire to currently have it.
If anyone out there has been through this please let me
know, it might be weird to talk about with but no one I know can relate.
Please know that this is my personal struggle and no matter
what your size as long as you are comfortable (you do you!) For me my weight is
tied to my sex life and I need to make my life and relationship a priority. I
need to improve or rather have a sex life in order to have a healthy
relationship. I want that for me and G. Well here it is: OVERSHARING to the
max.
Thanks for stopping by my loves
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