Disclaimer:
to put my mind at ease I wanted to add this disclaimer to all of my “over
sharing circle posts”. There will be five in total in the series. These
subjects will be detailed and personal and if you’re not comfortable with them,
please avoid reading them, as I don’t want to offend anyone. I plan on writing
about these subjects and touching on them many times in my future posts, but
will be going into personal depth in this series and feel the disclaimer
necessary.
POST ONE: DEPRESSION
I will start at the beginning, well as far back as I can
remember. I didn’t realize it then but when I was eleven or so I hit puberty
and went through a period of depression. I gained weight fast and my skin
stretched and had stretch marks all over my body. I was embarrassed and retreated
into a shell of an existence. I wouldn’t go swimming and stopped wearing a
bathing suit, I haven’t worn one since (I’m 26 now) and still haven’t worn one.
I am ashamed to write that, my boyfriend has yet to see me in one. How awful is
that? One of my future goals is to change that. I am however far away from that
goal.
After a few years of feeling bad about myself and having no
self-confidence or self-esteem and my parents’ divorce I turned to anorexia as
a form of control over my life, I was about to enter Junior High and wanted to
feel control in my life. I wanted to feel control of something and chose to
control what I ate. I remember not eating for days and crying at night from
hunger pains so bad id be awake the whole night. I was scared straight by a
friend’s dad, who sat me down at a restaurant and made me eat. I stopped my
anorexia and as a teenager with a busy hectic and stressful life kept my weight
off for many many years. All throughout my high school years. My depression
diminished and I felt happy, I had friends and a busy life. I had boyfriends
and attention.
However it was not all sunshine….at 14/15 I disagreed with
my mom’s relationship she chose to be in after my parents’ divorce and moved
out of my house to town and moved in with a friend’s sister. I didn’t speak
with my mom for almost a year and missed being at home to offer support to my younger
sister. I felt I was letting her down by not being at home to help her, luckily
she found a great boyfriend and his family really gave her the support she
needed as a teenager, they will be married this July and she is an amazing
person, so proud of her!
My family relationships were strained as they thought I was
such an angry teenager, but I knew I couldn’t help the way I was feeling, I
didn’t know I was going through another battle with depression.
I went to school and had a part time job and paid rent and
moved to many different apartments in town. I walked everywhere and kept my
weight off by Fred Flinstone-ing everywhere. I didn’t feel depressed anymore
just very stressed sometimes, but that’s life. School was never something that
interested me but I managed to graduate and was thankful for that. I had a
great part time job, my boss became my mentor and had insight like no other.
She looked out for me in a way that makes me grateful beyond words. She helped
me build my self-confidence and self-esteem up. I love her so much and still
do, she moved away and I miss her so much. I wish we were in touch more.
When I was 17 I met my now boyfriend, it’s hard to look back
and realize how young he was. He took me in when my life was chaotic and gave
me stability and true love and he never felt young to me he was so in control
of his life and helped me so much, my first love, my only love. It brings tears
to my eyes as I type this as he means so much to me and did so much for me. I
would show up at his house stressed and not willing to let him into my problems
like the fact that my apartment was freezing and I couldn’t afford food. He
would hold me as I would slobber tears on him and he would patiently wait for
me to regain my sanity and clean up my makeup.
I didn’t feel depression again until a few years later, we
had been living together for a few years and I had begun to gain some weight. I
had to change jobs as my boss I loved so much moved away and sold her business.
I found a new job and got my own vehicle. I can remember I always felt a little
down about my weight and I will talk about this another post as it intertwines
greatly with me depression. But staying on topic I can remember the day my next
depression started. I was on my second holiday with my boyfriend’s family and
for all reasons should have been so happy, I sat in my room and just cried. It
continued for almost two years before it was so bad I was having suicidal
thoughts and went to see a doctor. I would drive and drive not telling anyone what
was going on with me. I would cry all day at work and not be able to focus, I
was going through a very tough friendship at the time and didn’t help things at
all and made me even lower. The doctor put me on depression medication I only
took it for a few weeks before deciding I didn’t want to be on anything. I went
on a small vacation trip with my boyfriend’s sister and her husband and their
beautiful baby. I had a huge breakdown
and ended up talking with let’s give him a name now instead of always saying
boyfriend. (G).
The day we got home I joined weight watchers, I just felt
after that trip and talk my depression lessoned enough for me to be in control.
8 months later I lost 45 pounds and felt like myself again! I felt happy and
hopeful and my relationship was less stressed as I wasn’t worried about my
weight and was no longer depressed. I was working out a few times a week and
feeling so good.
That sadly only lasted a year and I began to binge eat, once
the weight started coming back at hurricane speed I sank into another deep
depression. This continued for over a year before I decided to see another
doctor. This time I decided to keep one of my friends in the loop and G. It was
nice to have a friend I could relate to as she had been through post-partum at
the same time as my previous period of depression. We could relate a lot. I
love her so much for keeping this all private, and now I am telling everyone on
here. I was deeply depressed and realizing I had an addiction to food. My
relationship was suffering tremendously (I will talk more about this in a
future post). The doctor wanted me to be reviewed by a physiatrist. I had tried
therapy before and disliked it a great deal, it made me worse.
Depression for me felt like a rain cloud of gloom surrounding
me and everything I did, it’s hard to handle my emotions and moods I often cry
at nothing and everything. No self-confidence and no self-esteem, feeling lost
and worthless and alone, feeling exhausted, and un-motivated and stressed. I
knew people loved me but just thought I’d burden them with my problems when
they had their own, I didn’t think anyone would understand If I talked to them,
I still don’t share these things with my family just my friend & G know,
well now you all. This is what depression feels like to me, my different
dealings with it at different times of my life have been more severe or less.
6 months later and things hadn’t gotten any better I was
still depressed and finally got into see a physiatrist. It helped so much, I
liked her a lot although she said my case was best suited for a therapist and
would see my for a while until I was on the path with one. I was being open
with G and talking with him about my appointments. I began to put work aside as
it’s hard to get time off I put myself first and on my third visit I decided to
try medication again for my depression. I am in my fourth month on medication
and feel a bit more control and less of a rainy cloud of depression over my head.
My problems are still present and my weight are at an all-time high, and so are
my relationship problems. However I now have clarity on why I have been
battling my depression on and off for so long. I need to learn to handle my
anxiety. I have an anxiety disorder.
At this present time I am still depressed and currently on
medication (I won’t say what kind) as medication differs for everyone and what
their doctors and themselves need.
I have hope for the future and gaining control in the right
way over my anxiety disorder and being off medication once I feel ready. I want
this to be my last battle with depression. I have put off my life in so many
ways, it’s time to put me first, make changes and make myself happy, make a
real life for myself.
If you or anyone you know may be suffering from depression,
please know you are not alone, to not be ashamed and to seek help. There are
underlying causes for depression and seeking help will make you stronger, I
know I need help and can’t do this on my own. I encourage you to seek help if
you are feeling depressed. I hope this will be helpful to the souls that need
an honest reflection of what life can be.
Thanks for stopping by loves
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