THE OVER SHARING CIRLCE POSTS: FOUR

Disclaimer: to put my mind at ease I wanted to add this disclaimer to all of my “over sharing circle posts”. There will be five in total in the series. These subjects will be detailed and personal and if you’re not comfortable with them, please avoid reading them, as I don’t want to offend anyone. I plan on writing about these subjects and touching on them many times in my future posts, but will be going into personal depth in this series and feel the disclaimer necessary. These subjects will all circle back and intertwine with each other, hence: “circle posts”.

 

POST FOUR: INTAMACY ISSUES

This is the touchy subject I intended for the disclaimer above. If this makes someone uncomfortable I apologise but this has been a struggle for me and to get to a place where I’m open and honest, I feel it necessary to talk about it. Once it’s out and written maybe it won’t be so taboo and I will feel better.

I am writing all of this to get me closer towards my goals and to be able to solve these issues and move past them. My blog will show my struggles, my journey and everything in between. I hope to find the lighter side of life and show that on my blog in the future. For now here I am. Here I go……

Going through my battles with depression has caused weight gain and weight gain has caused anxiety and anxiety causes binge eating and binge eating causes me to gain more weight which in turn makes the intimacy in my relationship fizzle which gives me more anxiety then the circle continues and only gets worse.

I have never had a high sex drive and dealing with weight gain makes me very self-conscious and only diminishes it further at this point in time to what I would only describe as non-existent. 

Before I continue I will give some background information to help those who are reading this.

I have been with my boyfriend G for nine years and we had sex a few months into our relationship I was 17 and we both fell in love and everything felt right. I didn’t have a high sex drive and neither did he, it was very normal to start with. We live together now and are in a committed relationship. I don’t have plans of marriage or plans to have children. I am on birth control. I believe whatever you feel is right when it comes to having sex is what you should be doing. That could be waiting for marriage or not.

When I started gaining weight I immediately pulled away from G, I couldn’t look at myself naked how could I let him? I would tell him no so often it would cause fights and anger in our relationship. Sometimes I could let go and have sex and sometimes I would be so in my head I just wanted to cry the whole time. I love my boyfriend and being intimate, it’s a part of being a couple, so when you’re not having sex it causes tension and ill feelings. Me and G would have the same talk over and over when I would push him to his breaking point. He would re assure me at any size he loved me and not to feel the way I felt. I would cry and it might get better for a few months but then the same thing would happen again the same fight because of the same struggle I was going through. Depression Anxiety and Weight Stress.

It got better when I lost weight, I felt better about myself and was able to let G see my naked and have sex, that didn’t last long as my weight came back on very quickly.

It’s been years now as ashamed I am to say that the cycle has continued. I have zero desire to have sex although I still love and am attracted to G and want to have sex as that’s an amazing part of loving someone, the thought of being naked makes me cringe and cry. I just can’t and don’t. Lately G has stopped asking and we have lost that part of our relationship. My head is filled with constant anxiety of losing G because what I have done to us and him. I recently wrote out my feelings on a paper expressing my fears and the guilt I had because what I was doing to him and us. He wrote me back two pages of such heartfelt love that I know he is still there, hanging on. There is no man who I feel could withstand the hardships we have had in our relationship. He is beyond amazing.

I have been tested regularly for my hormone levels to ensure their in not anything medically wrong with me, now bring on medication for anxiety and depression can lower your sex drive even further. I have not noticed as I had none before. I feel I am alone in having such a low sex drive? No doctor has offered an explanation than that I need to address my anxiety and depression in hopes to resolve the other problems occurring in my life.

I have even had a discussion with G’s best friend, while crying at wedding of a friends. G had too many drinks and wanted me to sit on him and kiss him and show affection. That’s not an awful thing to request from our GF? Is it? No.  I got very upset as I am not comfortable displaying affection as I am so withdrawn because of my weight gain and feeling ashamed. I talked to his friend and saw his side of things, he gave me such a nice pep talk, and I can’t thank him enough. He was so insightful and helped me, I think of our conversation often. Thinking of it reminds me of how long ago the conversation took place and that things have only gotten worse.

I keep thinking it can’t stay this way much longer as it’s not healthy to have a sexless relationship. I have been so unfair to G and he has been so patient. Its time I really took care of myself and my health and made myself a priority. I feel this is what I need to do so I can feel good about myself which will help with my sex drive.

I feel selfish saying I need to focus on me when I haven’t been focusing on G in so long. He needs attention and to be blunt he needs to have sex in his relationship.

I hope I can change for me and for us, gain the self-worth and self-confidence I need to feel comfortable in my relationship to be intimate. We are so much better when we are intimate, I mean it’s an amazing thing I am depriving myself and him of. I know I need to change. It’s very difficult to go through and express as it seems to be taboo to even type the word sex, let alone say I have no desire to currently have it.

If anyone out there has been through this please let me know, it might be weird to talk about with but no one I know can relate.

Please know that this is my personal struggle and no matter what your size as long as you are comfortable (you do you!) For me my weight is tied to my sex life and I need to make my life and relationship a priority. I need to improve or rather have a sex life in order to have a healthy relationship. I want that for me and G. Well here it is: OVERSHARING to the max.

 

Thanks for stopping by my loves

 

 

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THE OVER SHARING CIRLCE POSTS: THREE

Disclaimer: to put my mind at ease I wanted to add this disclaimer to all of my “over sharing circle posts”. There will be five in total in the series. These subjects will be detailed and personal and if you’re not comfortable with them, please avoid reading them, as I don’t want to offend anyone. I plan on writing about these subjects and touching on them many times in my future posts, but will be going into personal depth in this series and feel the disclaimer necessary. These subjects will all circle back and intertwine with each other, hence: “circle posts”.

POST THREE: WEIGHT

This is a big subject and a touchy one for me and I’m sure a sensitive subject for many women and girls.

THE BEGINNING: I gained weight when I hit puberty and the sudden change in my body left me with stretch marks and feeling very uncomfortable. As mentioned before in my first post I was depressed at this age as well and to gain control over my life and home life I became anorexic. I lost weight very fast over the summer and overcame my depression and then stopped being anorexic due to my best friend’s father forcing me to eat (he was intimidating to me, so I did as I was told), and gained a healthy amount of weight back from being at my lowest of 108 pounds.

That summer I got attention from boys, had relationships went out on the weekends, went to parties, events and social gatherings, got out of my shell and had a blast.

I was leading a very busy life and lived in town in a few different apartments and walked to school/work/friends’ houses every day all day. I didn’t feel the need to worry about my food and kept my weight off. I kept my weight off and was a healthy weight for many years, I was 5 4 and approx. 130 pounds. I was satisfied with this however never happy with my body image or thinking I looked slim. I believe this is related to body dismorphia.

I was in a happy relationship and started to gain weight as I was cooking meals together and eating more throughout the day, before I would tend to forget to eat and usually only eat when I remembered. (Not healthy). The little bit of weight made me depressed and being depressed gave me anxiety to deal with both I ate more and then the issue went around and around spinning more out of control as I was gaining more and more weight.

Not knowing that I was highly depressed made for a very confusing and unhappy time, it affected my relationship greatly.

I then felt like I had a better hold on my depression joined Weight Watchers and lost approximately 45 pounds, I felt like myself again and felt like I had self-confidence again and treated myself to clothes and dressed nicely, I was better able to focus on my relationship and was more outgoing and felt better in social gatherings. I allowed myself to be in photos and felt my anxiety about my weight ease off, I also began to exercise regularly and felt my body tone up I wore a bikini top in front of people for the first time, I wore pants while swimming still as I was very shy, but it was improvement and I felt so well.

That lasted only a few months and I began to binge eat and the weight piled on quickly, in a few short months I had put back on what I had worked so hard to loose. I felt like a total failure, like I had failed my relationship and put my happiness of food in front of the happiness of my relationship. I was so angry at myself, I tried to join weight watchers again a few times but never stayed with it, tried every diet or diet/exercise program I would get discouraged and fall off not having any will power and sinking back into depression like quicksand. The more depressed the more I ate and the more weight I put on.

I started back to my old ways of just wearing black, having my hair in bun and yoga pants, retreating into a hole. Letting my depression and anxiety have the best or rather all of me consuming everything. The only thing that could get me to stop crying was the faces of my niece and nephew.

I got help this spring for my depression as I wrote about in an earlier post. I am still at my heaviest weight and am in no way okay with it, but I hope that this year will be different, the year of changes at a turtles pace so that they stay permanent. Spring time next year is my goal for being healthy, fit, active and happy. I am hopeful that I can do this.

I wish I could write about how I was currently exercising and losing weight, but that’s not the truth I am trying to find my passion and direction in life and hoping that it will help with my depression and anxiety and by dealing with these issues I will find and stay on the path to weight loss. I am not sure if it’s wise to talk numbers as a goal for my weight so I will say my goal is to feel good in my own skin whatever that weight is, I want to be healthy.

I do know this: I feel like a Stanger in my own body, I have never felt this uncomfortable in my life, I am ashamed and retreating from family and friends, I put on a brave face but it is a lie. I sometimes don’t want to leave my house, I feel such sadness I cover up my body and sweat in the summer months because I’m too uncomfortable to wear shorts, I can’t enjoy a vacation as I’m so occupied on how I could be here  at this place in time and how I just keep failing to lose the weight. It makes me feel enormous guilt towards my relationship and has brought so much stress to it as well. I don’t take pictures, because I honestly hate the way I look, I don’t take care of myself or my health and everything falls to the side as I don’t feel I’m worth anything. I know all of these things but my anxiety and food addiction still drives me. I want to win this battle so bad, but food always seems to win. Anyone know what I’m talking about?  I’m not writing this for sympathy or as an excuse, I know what needs to happen its just about getting their and staying strong and making changes.

I have a long road ahead of me, it’s daunting and causes me anxiety which makes me want to eat…ughhh then I say oh next Monday …oh next Monday….then a year goes by and I’m worse off than I was the year before.

I hope that by putting this out in the open on my blog I will feel less shame and no I am a real person with real struggles trying to get a hold of my life. I can use this as a constant reminder to make better choices and stay strong, make changes for the better and work towards my goals.

I am not perfect but this is where I am at in life and I need to make changes if I don’t want to be in this terrible cycle forever. Today is a good day so far, wish me strength, and I wish you strength as well.

I am trying to climb out of this rut and better my life, it won’t be easy but I know it will be worth it.

This post is dedicated to those of you caught in a rut, find your passion, find your balance, and work towards your life’s bliss, I hope you overcome whatever struggle you are going through.

Know that no matter what you are beautiful and loved, true beauty is on the inside. I know this however being comfortable in your own skin is something I want and wish for every woman. Let your light shine through ladies. You’re all total beauties, I know it.

 

Thanks for stopping by loves

 

 

 

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THE OVER SHARING CIRLCE POSTS: TWO

Disclaimer: to put my mind at ease I wanted to add this disclaimer to all of my “over sharing circle posts”. There will be five in total in the series. These subjects will be detailed and personal and if you’re not comfortable with them, please avoid reading them, as I don’t want to offend anyone. I plan on writing about these subjects and touching on them many times in my future posts, but will be going into personal depth in this series and feel the disclaimer necessary. These subjects will all circle back and intertwine with each other, hence: “circle posts”.

 

POST TWO: ANXIETY

I am a newbie and still learning about my anxiety disorder. I am still in the process of understanding it and what my triggers are and how I can better deal with and handle my anxiety.

I never knew I had an anxiety disorder until I went to a physiatrist this year, I always thought you had to have massive panic attacks in order to have high anxiety or an anxiety disorder. Many people do suffer with this however I have had many small panic attacks but nothing that stopped my life.

It makes so much sense as I was explained the things I do and my decision making process and my level of worrying.

I have a hard time making a decision and when I do make one I struggle with worrying that it was the wrong one and the what “ifs”.

I am constantly worrying and realized that is due to my anxiety.

My need for control over my life from my anxiety also lead to my anorexia and then to my binge eating to comfort my feelings of anxiety. The last few years I have had a stressful time at work and with depression and weight gain and anxiety that made me binge eat to deal with it, it’s been a downhill losing battle.  

Now I can tell I binge eat when I feel my anxiety rise. I haven’t stopped this behaviour but I am aware of it and know I need to work on it to stop it.

I will be working on handling it in a proper way with my physiatrist and therapist. So far I have learned that when making a decision I need to weight out the consequences and tell myself the world or my life will move on despite if I make the wrong choice, making one will get me closer to my goal even if it’s the wrong one to start, it’s better than staying in limbo mode. I have learned that exercising is the best medicine for controlling anxiety and feeling in control. I have not yet started on a regular basis but do go on walks with friends and now golf a few times a week. I hope to improve on this slowly and surely to better my mind, body and over all wellbeing.

I have been doing well with the advice from my physiatrist when it comes to her wanting to do things that make me happy and doing things that are fun and enjoy being young. She mentioned I don’t live a fun life and don’t know how to have fun. It’s true and so sad, somewhat strange to say as well. What person doesn’t know what fun is? ME!

So I started this blog, started writing, started a goal list, made myself a home office and space I like to be in, told myself I love to watch movies and go to movies, so I started going with a friend. Started trying to put my needs first, quit my job and am currently looking for something new. It’s not much but it’s a start. I am also trying to be a positive person and have a positive outlook and be grateful for the small things in life and all that I do have.

A great role model in the internet world is Tanya Burr a You Tube Vlogger her blog here as well: www.tanyaburr.co.uk, she has also written a book: Love Tanya, It tells how she keeps up her positive outlook on her life while still dealing with her anxiety. Also includes her makeup and beauty life.

I am looking forward to doing things for myself and focusing on me for once and seeing the change that it will bring, being aware of my anxiety makes things clearer and I only hope to improve from here.

If you suffer from anxiety and have any helpful suggestions please let me know as I would love to hear them and what you have to say.

 

Thanks for stopping by my loves

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THE OVER SHARING CIRLCE POSTS

Disclaimer: to put my mind at ease I wanted to add this disclaimer to all of my “over sharing circle posts”. There will be five in total in the series. These subjects will be detailed and personal and if you’re not comfortable with them, please avoid reading them, as I don’t want to offend anyone. I plan on writing about these subjects and touching on them many times in my future posts, but will be going into personal depth in this series and feel the disclaimer necessary.

 

POST ONE: DEPRESSION

I will start at the beginning, well as far back as I can remember. I didn’t realize it then but when I was eleven or so I hit puberty and went through a period of depression. I gained weight fast and my skin stretched and had stretch marks all over my body. I was embarrassed and retreated into a shell of an existence. I wouldn’t go swimming and stopped wearing a bathing suit, I haven’t worn one since (I’m 26 now) and still haven’t worn one. I am ashamed to write that, my boyfriend has yet to see me in one. How awful is that? One of my future goals is to change that. I am however far away from that goal.

After a few years of feeling bad about myself and having no self-confidence or self-esteem and my parents’ divorce I turned to anorexia as a form of control over my life, I was about to enter Junior High and wanted to feel control in my life. I wanted to feel control of something and chose to control what I ate. I remember not eating for days and crying at night from hunger pains so bad id be awake the whole night. I was scared straight by a friend’s dad, who sat me down at a restaurant and made me eat. I stopped my anorexia and as a teenager with a busy hectic and stressful life kept my weight off for many many years. All throughout my high school years. My depression diminished and I felt happy, I had friends and a busy life. I had boyfriends and attention.

However it was not all sunshine….at 14/15 I disagreed with my mom’s relationship she chose to be in after my parents’ divorce and moved out of my house to town and moved in with a friend’s sister. I didn’t speak with my mom for almost a year and missed being at home to offer support to my younger sister. I felt I was letting her down by not being at home to help her, luckily she found a great boyfriend and his family really gave her the support she needed as a teenager, they will be married this July and she is an amazing person, so proud of her!

My family relationships were strained as they thought I was such an angry teenager, but I knew I couldn’t help the way I was feeling, I didn’t know I was going through another battle with depression.

I went to school and had a part time job and paid rent and moved to many different apartments in town. I walked everywhere and kept my weight off by Fred Flinstone-ing everywhere. I didn’t feel depressed anymore just very stressed sometimes, but that’s life. School was never something that interested me but I managed to graduate and was thankful for that. I had a great part time job, my boss became my mentor and had insight like no other. She looked out for me in a way that makes me grateful beyond words. She helped me build my self-confidence and self-esteem up. I love her so much and still do, she moved away and I miss her so much. I wish we were in touch more.

When I was 17 I met my now boyfriend, it’s hard to look back and realize how young he was. He took me in when my life was chaotic and gave me stability and true love and he never felt young to me he was so in control of his life and helped me so much, my first love, my only love. It brings tears to my eyes as I type this as he means so much to me and did so much for me. I would show up at his house stressed and not willing to let him into my problems like the fact that my apartment was freezing and I couldn’t afford food. He would hold me as I would slobber tears on him and he would patiently wait for me to regain my sanity and clean up my makeup.

I didn’t feel depression again until a few years later, we had been living together for a few years and I had begun to gain some weight. I had to change jobs as my boss I loved so much moved away and sold her business. I found a new job and got my own vehicle. I can remember I always felt a little down about my weight and I will talk about this another post as it intertwines greatly with me depression. But staying on topic I can remember the day my next depression started. I was on my second holiday with my boyfriend’s family and for all reasons should have been so happy, I sat in my room and just cried. It continued for almost two years before it was so bad I was having suicidal thoughts and went to see a doctor. I would drive and drive not telling anyone what was going on with me. I would cry all day at work and not be able to focus, I was going through a very tough friendship at the time and didn’t help things at all and made me even lower. The doctor put me on depression medication I only took it for a few weeks before deciding I didn’t want to be on anything. I went on a small vacation trip with my boyfriend’s sister and her husband and their beautiful baby.  I had a huge breakdown and ended up talking with let’s give him a name now instead of always saying boyfriend. (G).

The day we got home I joined weight watchers, I just felt after that trip and talk my depression lessoned enough for me to be in control. 8 months later I lost 45 pounds and felt like myself again! I felt happy and hopeful and my relationship was less stressed as I wasn’t worried about my weight and was no longer depressed. I was working out a few times a week and feeling so good.

That sadly only lasted a year and I began to binge eat, once the weight started coming back at hurricane speed I sank into another deep depression. This continued for over a year before I decided to see another doctor. This time I decided to keep one of my friends in the loop and G. It was nice to have a friend I could relate to as she had been through post-partum at the same time as my previous period of depression. We could relate a lot. I love her so much for keeping this all private, and now I am telling everyone on here. I was deeply depressed and realizing I had an addiction to food. My relationship was suffering tremendously (I will talk more about this in a future post). The doctor wanted me to be reviewed by a physiatrist. I had tried therapy before and disliked it a great deal, it made me worse.

Depression for me felt like a rain cloud of gloom surrounding me and everything I did, it’s hard to handle my emotions and moods I often cry at nothing and everything. No self-confidence and no self-esteem, feeling lost and worthless and alone, feeling exhausted, and un-motivated and stressed. I knew people loved me but just thought I’d burden them with my problems when they had their own, I didn’t think anyone would understand If I talked to them, I still don’t share these things with my family just my friend & G know, well now you all. This is what depression feels like to me, my different dealings with it at different times of my life have been more severe or less.

6 months later and things hadn’t gotten any better I was still depressed and finally got into see a physiatrist. It helped so much, I liked her a lot although she said my case was best suited for a therapist and would see my for a while until I was on the path with one. I was being open with G and talking with him about my appointments. I began to put work aside as it’s hard to get time off I put myself first and on my third visit I decided to try medication again for my depression. I am in my fourth month on medication and feel a bit more control and less of a rainy cloud of depression over my head. My problems are still present and my weight are at an all-time high, and so are my relationship problems. However I now have clarity on why I have been battling my depression on and off for so long. I need to learn to handle my anxiety. I have an anxiety disorder.

At this present time I am still depressed and currently on medication (I won’t say what kind) as medication differs for everyone and what their doctors and themselves need.

I have hope for the future and gaining control in the right way over my anxiety disorder and being off medication once I feel ready. I want this to be my last battle with depression. I have put off my life in so many ways, it’s time to put me first, make changes and make myself happy, make a real life for myself.

If you or anyone you know may be suffering from depression, please know you are not alone, to not be ashamed and to seek help. There are underlying causes for depression and seeking help will make you stronger, I know I need help and can’t do this on my own. I encourage you to seek help if you are feeling depressed. I hope this will be helpful to the souls that need an honest reflection of what life can be.

 

Thanks for stopping by loves

 

 

 

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SHARING OR OVER SHARING?

A hard question to answer without having feedback, a problem with a new blog. Finding the balance of what readers want and what I am willing to share and put out into the internet world.

There is a positive aspect of having no one know about your blog, I can feel comfortable sharing intimate details about my life in hopes that I am not alone in going through them and my words if they help one person out there would be worth expressing. If no one reads them it still feels good getting them out of my head and into word format. Writing gives me a sense of direction to hold onto and a path to follow hoping that I will improve my life along the way.

How much is too much though? How much constitutes over sharing? Is it wrong to go into too personal of a space when I want this to be a blog expressing many things (beauty, fashion, travel, life)??

Would I offend anyone who reads the more personal posts?

As I write this, my instincts tell me to go for it. Stay true to my path of honesty and see where that leads me. It might lead me to exactly where my goals are.

I apologize if some of the future posts might be over sharing as I don’t want to offend anyone however I don’t want to just write a few words posting pictures and making it seem my lie is but a dream, when in fact it’s the total opposite right now.

VERDICT: OVER SHARING IT IS

 Thanks for stopping by loves

 

 

 

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TO JOIN OR NOT TO JOIN

Hello loves, I want to chat to you as this feels like my safe place to talk, meaning I am not much of a talker or social butterfly in new situations or big crowds.

I recently went to celebrate a beautiful and dear friend’s Bachelorette party eight hours away. I was very nervous to make the trip with a girl I knew but had never visited with one on one. I knew she was a sweetheart but was still nervous as my anxiety always rises when I do things out of my comfort zone. I decided to go on the trip and it meant a lot to me to help support the bride who has a heart of gold and the best personality.

The eight hour drive went great, thankfully my road trip companion was a total doll and so amazing to get to know, a really great person to now know a little better. On the long drive I felt since we didn’t know each other very well I could express some of the issues I was going through and as did she. However when it comes to me sharing, once I’m comfortable with you I have no problem chatting and gabbing your ear off, but later on after I am alone I sit and think, what if that person tells everyone my issues, then everyone will know and I get very  insecure and judge myself for sharing my life with someone. I regret even talking although it feels so nice to connect and share with others I will sit and toil over every word I expresses and how that made me sound or how it was digested by the other person, what do they think of me, what if now everyone will know my deep dark secrets?!

I’m sure you’re reading this and saying to yourself, this chick is absolutely bonkers! She expresses everything on the internet for everyone to read but she regrets talking to others? This is a huge aspect of my anxiety one I have dealt with since I was a tween or younger. When in new situations and I am socializing and offer advice or comments, I retract like a hermit crab into its shell and let my anxiety ridden thoughts take over, thinking why did I say that? That was a silly thing to say? Everyone thinks your silly? Anyone know what I mean? Or am I cray cray as they say.

It helps if I really am trusting and comfortable with the person, then my anxiety is lessoned and eased by trust and it doesn’t take control of me trying to socialize, but that is rare. In large groups or meeting new people I usually feel the safest way is to shut down and not talk and just listen. I will take a back seat and stay silent and let others socialize as I watch, feeling that’s the safest thing I can do, then however I start to think I may come across as snotty or conceded when I am sitting there not talking, that’s not the image I want to express and worry that by letting my anxiety win and remaining silent is actually not the safe solution at all.

So what is the right thing to do? Maybe it’s to express how I feel on here and hope that I will find the answer by opening up to others in my safe place. I consider my blog a safe place as of now as it’s my creation and expression, something I can direct and be completely who I am, many flaws in all.

I sit here and type this trying to work through my thoughts on regretting sharing my life with my road trip companion. I thought if I could write and express myself maybe I could work though these thoughts. It’s an awful feeling to always feel the pangs of regret lurch in your stomach after every time you socialize. I hope by working on my anxiety in the future as I plan to this year. (Year of Change) I will learn the skills necessary to overcome and surpass these issues.

My man G is the same as me when it comes to socializing so we both understand each other very well and have each other to cling to when we need to and talk with and re assure our and deplete our anxiety together as a team. If anyone suffers from the same issues, just know that you are not alone and it’s okay, if we are honest and express how we feel maybe “us” non-social anxiety personalities can all form together and be the ones who end up chatting and socializing together!

 

Thanks for stopping by my loves

 

 

 

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THE THEIF OF JOY

First of all I want to say I am mostly writing this as a reminder to myself as I am extremely guilty of doing this and don’t want to seem hypocritical by writing what anyone should be or shouldn’t be doing as each to their own and what works best for them, this is my reminder in writing that nothing good comes from comparing yourself in a negative light to others.

In this instance I am at fault for comparing my relationship to another friend’s relationship.

No two people are exactly the same and when they develop a healthy loving relationship it is their own creation that works best for them. Comparing where you are in life in a relationship to another’s breeds negativity and I am disappointed in myself for doing so.

I love my dear friend very much and she is getting married in a few months to the most amazing person, just a fantastic loving match they make! They have been together almost two years, while I have been in a relationship for almost ten years. I feel a decade and two years is not to be compared and neither are different people.

I am beyond words happy for my friend to marry the love of her life and spend the rest of her life happy as she deserves. I still however am human and let my own personal insecurities creep into my mind and then bring down my positivity and I began to compare certain aspects of their relationship with mine.

EG: The sweet dates they go on, trips, and talking on the phone they do…etc…etc... I am not a very affectionate person neither am I very social or outgoing and live in a very small town. Very different people in very different relationships and I am not at the point in my life that I am comfortable with either. I remind myself this as I write. I was feeling so down like my relationship wasn’t as special or meaningful or full of love as theirs.

That is not the case, we each love our men and have relationships that make us happy and have found our best friends, I love G for who he is and that makes our relationship ours. I now feel so silly comparing the two situations and feeling like a lesser person for not having what they have when the truth is I cherish and love my relationship because it has been through so many hardships and we only hang onto each other tighter, working on my issues will make my relationship improve.

If there are certain aspects you would like to change or bring more joy into your personal or relationship life, do not look to compare as comparing is the thief of joy. Look to improve and put the effort and hard work a loving relationship needs, making it a priority and focus.

Learn from my mistake as it was a low place to be and don’t wish those thoughts on others.

May you and the person you love be who you are and enjoy every minute of your unique and loving relationship. 

 

Thanks for stopping by my loves

 

 

 

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STEPPING OUT

I pushed past my anxiety the beginning of this month and made a choice to go out of my comfort zone for a new experience and because I knew it was the right thing to do.

I decided to travel eight hours to visit a friend and celebrate with her for a special occasion. I never travel with people I don’t know and rarely travel without close friends or loved ones to feel at ease with.

I knew I wanted to be there for my friend and put my issues with meeting new people and feeling uncomfortable aside to be there for her. The trip went well and the new crowd I met were a great group of girls, all gorgeous, sweet, and super spunky & fun!

I had high hopes for myself to let loose of my super controlled behaviours and be able to relax and socialize and get to know everyone. That was not the case, I felt very uncomfortable to 100% of my own doing and shut down, and I became the silent girl sitting in the corner afraid of what to say. I snuck away to the corner of my friends beautiful house just outside a more beautiful lake and curled up in my bed. It was all so overwhelming I felt like a failure and was disappointed I had made the choice to travel eight hours but them not be ready to socialize or feel comfortable. I felt so shamed of how I looked comparing my body to everyone’s and put myself into a dark mind set.

I can easily slip into black holes, I feel there is a path in my life I just can’t see through the fog and with every right step I take the next is into a black hole I need to overcome and get over and try and find the next right step.

I wasn’t ready to push myself that far, I took the first step to make it there, I can only work on myself to better the next time I push myself. I am trying to stay positive and congratulate myself on what I did accomplish VS what I didn’t. I have to remind myself not to dwell on what I wasn’t able to do and what I wasn’t comfortable with….. That’s not the right mind set.

Although I feel as though I failed in most parts of the experience I do feel like I now know what I really need to work on to better the next time I’m in a similar situation.

I believe this year is my year of changes although they may be micro changes at a snail’s pace, I hope I am on the right road and this will lead me to bliss and happiness.

I felt as I traveled back the long eight hour drive that it was meant to be, I didn’t accomplish a successful time socializing, however I had a very strong feeling that I was supposed to have done this as a learning experience and to pick up any little lessons along the way I needed. Like Hansel & Gretel’s trail of bread crumbs, I believe this to be the right path and accept my intuition as clues (bread crumbs) that I am on the right path in life.

Life’s path: find your gift, share your gift, the purpose of life and all its happiness.

 

Thanks for stopping by my loves

 

 

   

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QUOTES VIA PINTEREST

Today I thought I would share my favorite quotes and share some inspiration via my Pinterest account. Check it out here if you like to see lots of beauty, travel and random pins!

https://www.pinterest.com/leighdg/

Sharing is something I love to do and happen to also love quotes that can inspire you by creating inspiration and motivation in the heart and soul. Words that speak to you and resonate with a memory or place you are in life or have been.

For me these words are about the last few years and the struggle I am currently going through and trying to overcome, I use these quotes as daily reminders for myself, and hope that maybe a few of them will help you in your life someway.

Hope you are all having a great week so far!

Talk to you later my loves

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by loves

 

 



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WAITING

Every time I read all my favourite blogs each morning and look at their beautiful pictures and fashion posts I feel as though I need to be doing the exact same thing on my blog. It needs pictures and colour for people to be interested and relate and want to come back to.

I do honestly believe that’s true, however I am not ready to have that on my blog. If I am truly honest with myself and portray that honesty on my blog, I am just not ready or there yet. I have just started out and need to express my thoughts and get them out and find out what I am comfortable with putting out there. Once I feel I have shared who I am and feel the timing is right I promise and have a goal of putting up pictures then moving onto fashion and beauty posts.

For now all that feels right is to write.

I am going to follow my instincts and see where it leads me.

I think to myself, I will never get followers by not posting pictures and just blabbing on and on the ramblings that enter my brain, but that’s where my life is now.

I have thoughts of collaborating with brands I love and getting exposure, having an amazing Instagram, who doesn’t???

However that’s not what I want, truly want. I rather ramble than not be true to where I am in life.

I am here. If you are in a similar position, let’s be true to ourselves and see where that leads us, maybe not fame and fortune or notoriety, maybe it will lead to bliss…in my opinion that would be so much better.

 

Thanks for stopping by my loves

 

 

 

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STRONG WOMEN

“Strong women, may we be them, may we raise them.”

 A subject I am very passionate about. I am proud to say and know me and my sisters are all very strong women and have strong spirits.

Sometimes that may get me into trouble as being the stubborn one, there is no changing that as my mother said I was stubborn in the womb; born two weeks past my original due date!

I feel it’s so important to be independent and know that no matter what happens you can stand on your own two feet. You don’t need a man or woman to be able to survive. While it’s an amazing feeling to have a partner in life to share things with and being your best friend (something I do have and cherish). If anything would ever happen, I may be sad but I still have myself and my identity. Your purpose is to not exist solely for someone else but to live for everything you love in life and connect your spirit and make the people you love better versions of themselves and vice versa.

I am not judging the women who need a man as the saying goes, I feel for them. Judgement does nothing but breed negativity. I do not know their life and struggles and what they have been through. I do wish I could reach out and break through to them with words that would resonate and stay. You have yourself and you are a wonderful person, if you relationship is an unhealthy one, it’s not necessary to stay and feel like you would lose yourself without them.

Women are so amazing strong inside, you just need to believe it! If you are in a relationship whatever it may be that you know is not positive for your wellbeing, find the courage deep inside to know you can do this and move on, your identity doesn’t rely in them.  As a women you are strong.

 

Thanks for stopping by loves

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THREE HOURS

 

This Spring I was asked to join a girls, “just for fun” Golf Team. My instant answer was NO, my answer to everything and anything new. I am a self pro claimed hermit and still carry many of my extreme shyness I had as a child. New things scare me to death and give me major anxiety. I am just one of those kinds of people that would rather sit back and watch others for fear of failure.

I have said no to so many things in my life, this year I decided I would say yes. I said YES to golf on a women’s team, with four other friends. I immediately regretted it and had an ache in the bottom of my stomach, wondering why I would want to do this to myself. I tried to back out as I usually do, but was persuaded by a dear friend to at least try it. After all it was just for fun and they would teach me.

THREE HOURS LATER….and I had a total blast! I was shy at first and wanted to go home and retreat in my shell like the hermit crab I am, but with the help and encouragement of my friends decided to play the whole game through. I loved it! It was my very first time attempting the sport, and while I was not by any means of the word; good, I wasn’t terrible either!

It’s amazing the fun I can have, when I actually let myself have it. I am curious to see in 8 weeks if I will have improved any! Who knows maybe I found myself an outdoors hobby!!

I know many people talk of FOMO (fear of missing out) I have the opposite: (fear of participating in), don’t be like me, if someone asks you to do or try something you haven’t done before and it intrigues you even the slightest bit….go for it! If you don’t enjoy it, then at least you tried. Don’t shelter yourself out of fear or be worried you will fail. There is still fun in failure and who knows you could just succeed. Life doesn’t have to be perfect.

 

Thanks for stopping by loves

 

 

 

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YOUTUBE LOVIN

My friends and family ask how I have learned to do my hair or makeup a certain way. I have always loved doing my makeup and hair and loved watching TV so it’s no surprise I am somewhat obsessed with YouTube. It’s like a beauty Google right at your fingertips. I have learned so much from the ladies I listed below. I want to share everything I have learned and hope that you find help as well. Follow their channels, subscribe and follow their social accounts as well if you would like to learn from them. They are all unbelievable beautiful and talented. Be warned for product hoarding junkies like myself it can get dangerous watching these ladies favourites’ videos. Wallets be warned! Happy watching and blending loves!

 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVWSfj_6x17X6ajZfo8-Kew

Amber Fillerup

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2QS1dw4h3Eu89rwSr7nMng

AprilAthena7

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC21yq4sq8uxTcfgIxxyE9VQ

Carli Bybel

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxj0QizmFhx7kVKSArHBCTA

Casey Holmes

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLFW3EKD2My9swWH4eTLaYw

Chloe Morello

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG9nVSLp4nQlW79sY5ihRrg

Desi Perkins

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXXEIYxqAWLaHfLhoZSAXpg

Heidicupcake

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6jgzx2g3nlbaYkd8EMweKA

Jaclyn Hill

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9TreTE-iXwfwQl72DzDurA

Kandee Johnson

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCC0EqtXQ9at6ON_-ZYJaImA

LustreLux

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCE1BqH-72EBs-siTbDAjOGQ

Makeup Geek

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGyEh4tPLpUgQFg3b-3eZOw

Maskcara

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz0Qnv6KczUe3NH1wnpmqhA

Nicole Guerriero

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzTKskwIc_-a0cGvCXA848Q

Nikkie Tutorials

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjEPwaev8_zrpafISAPhruA

pixiwoo

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUt0ZA6l_EidUnBFMR9BZig

SMLxO

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrIIH7yHQugaUuoTZDoEUuQ

Tanya Burr

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5zSySQab9SA6Wz569WDgqw

Ingrid Nilsen



Thanks for stopping by my loves

 

 

 

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