SELF LOVE PUSH

I’m writing this post less than 72 hours before my big decision happens…………….I’m getting a breast augmentation. I will post this Wednesday at 7:00 am, exactly 24 hours before my surgery happens.

I have wanted to do this since I was 15 years old and have been savagely saving for the last few years, It hit me last August that I had saved enough to have it done, then at almost the exact same time I realized I wanted to be at my goal weight before I ever let myself have the surgery, and in all honesty I have never been further from my goal weight in all of my life. So, what was I to do? Put it off yet again, I had never token the path of financing the procedure because I was never at my goal weight, I was highly depressive or completely consumed by my anxiety, there was always a reason in my mind to not pursue it, even though I have wanted this and researched this for over a decade!

So you would think when I realized I had the means to book the procedure, but was so far away from goal weight, I would once again use that as my excuse and punishment to not invest in something for me. I stood there for a moment, my therapy twisting its way through my thoughts; my thoughts of the need for perfection, my therapy thoughts burst to the surface and a lightbulb clicked on. No matter what weight I am at, I’m not any less worthy of doing things for myself than if I was closer to goal weight. While losing weight is still an almost minute to minute background thought for me, I for once had a different outlook on my self-worth.  Why was I constantly punishing myself, beating myself down into the dirt when it came to doing something solely for myself? I took the biggest leap of faith, picked up the phone and booked consultations for the procedure.

Four months later and while I have had a few rough days, I still am 100% sure this is the right thing to do. No, I’m not at goal weight or even close, or even on track. I however do everything for others and rarely anything for myself feeling as though I am never worth any ounce of self-love as I have been in this weight struggle for so many years and feeling as though I’m slowly getting deeper and deeper, my head no longer above water. That’s where I hope this “leap of faith/push of self-love” will help.

Do I expect this surgery to fix my problems with self-esteem, self-image, and self-love?  Bluntly, Hell no.

I am however still going through with the procedure out of self-love, I am worth investing in myself, by doing this an pushing against all of my feelings of perfection I’m changing my minds timeline of when I think it’ll be okay to love my self (when I’m perfect). I’m rewarding myself for who I am know and what I have managed to change in therapy and life this last year or so. Maybe, by doing this I will want to take care of myself more inside and out, maybe losing weight will be easier now that I’m doing something I really want, despite imperfect circumstances.

At least that’s my logic, motivation into the time of this procedure. The reason for wanting a breast augmentation is solely personal and one I have thought about for over a decade and highly researched. This is for the first time, just for me, and while I’m struggling today with thoughts of weight issues, I know I’m doing this for the right reasons.   

Here’s to being open & honest Xo