HOLDING BACK WHILE MOVING FORWARD
I am very aware that the title of this post
is confusing, however that is exactly how I feel at this moment. CONFUSED.
I am starting to notice small and small
improvements and progress with therapy, I go every two weeks and at the last
two sessions I as well as my therapist have notice micro changes for the
better. He assures me that micro improvements are exactly what he sees from
patients with similar problems, he also assures me these changes are leaning
towards the path that I want to be on and one he agrees with as well.
This is by far the most excited and
accomplished I have felt since starting therapy, I know its changes at a
snail’s pace….but they are still changes!
What are these changes I am speaking of? To
some I completely understand how small and insignificant they could be, to me
change is huge! I have noticed that I worry less, as compared to before when
every minute of every day I was worried and stressed about things completely
out of my control. I feel with the techniques in therapy I am doing better at
focusing my worries, by that I mean; when I am worrying about something that
can’t be fixed by worrying than there is no point! I must move on with my day
and shift my focus. I have also started to try and shift my focus onto what
values as a person I hold to be important, when making a decision before I
always thought it would be the wrong choice, now I try to compare the outcomes e.g.
Will saying yes lead me down the path towards my values and goals or will it
lead me away? If I say no will that lead me towards my goals or will it lead me
away? I love this tool I learned in therapy as it really helps me focus on
making decisions and feeling confident in them. I can rationalize to myself out
loud that even if there are negative consequences as long as I am making a
choice that coincides with my values and goals that I know I need to do so.
I have also tried to use many tools I have
learned in therapy when it comes to emotional eating, I am becoming a lot more aware
of triggers and exact reasons why I emotionally eat although I have yet to lose
weight or really consider anything in this area of my life improving.
I have discussed staying on my anti
depression meds for the time being as they balance out my emotions and let me
stabilized my mood swings. I am fine being on them I know it’s not necessary
for life but it’s what I need for the time being.
This progress is exciting for me but I keep
a part hidden from my therapist I completely hold back hoping that by staying
the course and committing to therapy will in turn give me the tools for myself
to fix my inner hidden issues, ones I’ve yet to be comfortable with my
therapist to talk with. I’m torn sometimes with thoughts that my progress would
go better if I was honest with everything I have issues with, but is that true?
Is it better to be just focusing on what I’m comfortable talking with and see
how that affects all my issues, maybe I’ll never have to talk about it?
Maybe I can hold back and keep moving forward???
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