SURPRISE PUNCH

I'm sitting in my hotel room not knowing if I should quit crying or cry more. 

What was a very long stressful nerve filled day ended with excitement or so I thought.  The only thing I dislike about knowing all of Gs body language is when I can sense when their is something he won't tell me. In the past I know I have made it hard for him to express himself without me getting upset however withholding communication is harmful to a relationship and not tolerable to me. 

The more I poke and prod the words come out, he is not in favour of a decision o have made today, one I've been contemplating for 12+ years. 

The tears fall and my cheeks burn, I loose my breath, head pounds and heart falls to the sound of my feet. My rock of a support system is it behind me. 

This is such meshing I'm doing for myself. When I use my rational brain and try and calm myself down to understand his concerns I realize they are valid concerns but the words still cut like s knife from the one I love. 

I didn't expect to encounter any obsticles because this is one of the only things I'm doing for myself. I didn't expect this from him, not now.  Not when I'm so close. Do I postpone what I want or push through without his 100% support.  

I'm left confused and worried and unsure. 

Is he right, am I right. What is right? 

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TAKING IT ALL ON

My close family and friends would agree that I often take on tasks and organize events to the fullest extent. Meaning I well….go completely overboard and past my budget. I absolutely love planning and organizing small events, especially when it comes to the décor aspect. I love scrolling Pinterest and finding creative décor ideas and planning tips and tricks, I’m seriously such a Pinterest addict! My favorite part is thinking of an overall theme or look for the event and then planning around that as my goal.

I am definitely no party planner or décor expert, but I do like to try and make each event unique and special for the person I’m hosting it for. I have done three baby showers, three wedding showers and Stagette and a few other odds and ends.

I really try and think what the personality is like of the special guest of honor. My goal is to make them feel as special as possible and have a wonderful time.

Anyone else like planning?

Due to my history in planning events I have let people walk on me, for lack of a better phrase. If other people involved in planning an event are slacking or making no effort I feel it’s my duty to step up and devote all my time and cash into making the event special, It kills me to think someone would be disappointed by their party, if I can help, even if it’s not my job or role to do so I have always stepped up. This has become a bit of a sore subject for me and G as it does add a lot of stress to my life. It’s nothing I can’t handle, however G feels I am always taking on that responsibility when it’s not mine to take and putting myself in a position to deplete my bank account and time. I have been thinking lately that he is right, I don’t need to try and make everything so perfect, as long as I try hard, there is no need to go overboard and there is also no need to take on other people’s responsibilities as my own, I need to let that go and let it be. Whatever may happen, will happen, it’s not all up to me.

Releasing control is hard, but feeling drained and worn out and UN appreciated for doing too much is harder.

You don’t need to be perfect, I don’t need to be perfect, so maybe I should stop trying to be…..

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THIS IS WHY

We (me and G) were on our way home from a belated birthday dinner for Gs’ 32^nd birthday. I like usual lately was talking about my little sister and her soon becoming a mom. I am beyond excited to snuggle that little ball of cuteness when it arrives. Back to my story though, before I ramble on a million cute adjectives for newborn babies!

G asked what I was doing on my phone while we were on our way home, he then said: “let me guess something for your sister”. Frustrating how he always knows, or maybe I’m extremely predictable. We will go with a little of both. I replied by agreeing I was trying to decide how to get her closet baby ready. He looked at me and very seriously asked the question he has asked many times before. “Why do you put so much of yourself into others like your little sister and not yourself, it bothers me to be honest”? I had explained before how I feel very protective of my family and like to make them happy and feel cherished with attention and gifts. He knows this but not the whole story, I decided to explain in depth to see if he would better understand and it would relieve his worries.

When I was growing up as a young teenager I followed suit and picked on my little sister, that’s what was done to me and others, I will never forget making my little helpless sister cry on our bus ride home one day, from that day on I stopped if it was going to cause tears from someone I loved it was not the right thing to do to follow others to be so called “cool”. From that moment on I was very protective of my little sister, I needed to be the one to watch over her and protect her not be a bully and mean sister.

When I was 14/15 years old home life was tough (divorcing/fighting parents) and me being extremely independent didn’t agree with my mother’s new boyfriend and packed my clothes and bed up and moved to an apartment with a part time job and still going to high school. I had an extremely hard time leaving my sister. I had zero worries about what I was doing for myself would be best except the guilt of leaving her in that house. I knew that I couldn’t provide for her so what was best was to let her live at home while I left. I left her in a home ravaged by divorce and anger, not the ideal place in my opinion.

If it wasn’t for my sisters strong soul it might not have turned out for the better, she leaned on her boyfriend and his family for the kind of support a teenager requires and needs. I was always there for her or I tried to be anyways, I still had and still do have a pang of guilt for not being able to help her more. Thankfully my sister is an amazing person and soon to be mommy and she has made a wonderful happy life for herself, one I am very proud of.

However the thoughts of her missing out on some of her childhood and having divorced damaged parents still leads me to try and be her protector and as G says her second mom. In a way I agree and in a way I know its UN needed as she is a strong young woman, but that doesn’t stop me. In the end I’m her sister and that word means more to me than words can explain.

I am a fixer, a worrier, a gift giver, listener, guilt obsessed person just trying to be a good sister and good person. This is why I do what I do for her.

In the end G understood why.

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REFRAIN RESTRAIN

The latest in therapy techniques might be the most “out their “of the ones I have tried to implement.

I like to think of therapy tools and techniques as sciences experiments, we discuss, we strategize, we implement. (We me and my therapist).   I try to implement different techniques into my life to help deal with my anxiety, depression, shame and guilt.

The newest tools is to deal with my body shame.

Background: at this particular therapy session we further discussed my body shame, when it comes to wearing a dress, going out to an event, being intimate, my mind goes to three stages of shame instantaneously.

First: No Don’t Do That, second: Because you’re not worth it, you’re fat, third: There Is No Point, move on and don’t do it.  SHAME AT ITS FINEST FOR ME, this is how a lot of my decisions are done.

Now to move past this way of thinking is hard as I have come to the realization I will never re-train my brain to completely think differently. I can think of the three shaming phrases that come into my head as simply words. WORDS.

This is where the tool comes in, the weird tool. I try to implement singing these words to memorable chorus’s, repeat with celebrity voices outload, after doing so several times the words become well, just words. They lose the attachment from my mind that they are my own words so they must be truth because I thought them, they just are words.

By putting this into practice it becomes my latest experiment, I’ll see if it sticks and report back at my next therapy session and from that we gather the evidence on should we tweak the tool, keep using the tool, move on to a different tool.

So for now I’m saying: “No don’t do that, because you’re not worth it, you’re fat, there is no point, move on and don’t do it”. In the voice of Donald Duck & Christopher Walken.

 

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VISITERS HIGH

Hello Loves

I had a very interesting weekend, unlike my usual Saturday Clean & Sunday Netflix and Chill days. I left for up North, Friday after work. I made a two ½ hour drive to visit a friend I knew in Elementary/Middle/High School. We had re connected through Facebook. We had messaged long letters and began texting as well. Discovering we shared may similar struggles, so similar in fact it was undeniable the connection we shared, the only weird thing was why so many years had passed and we hadn’t realized it. Life is very curious that way! Don’t you agree?

I arrived by supper time pulled up behind her awaiting white SUV. We squished each other with hugs and I felt filled with excitement. I followed her back to her beautiful new home and we sat and visited till the wee hours of the night. I rarely feel comfortable enough to stay somewhere, however I ended up staying till Sunday at almost supper time!

We are already planning my next visit to see the fall leaves up north, I couldn’t be more excited!

My visit left me high on shared emotional struggles, I drove home at peace from my demons for a few hours, which gave me a much needed break. I hope the same for her as well.

Till the next visit!

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ELEVEN RANDOM ?S

Q: When was the first time was your heart was broken, and how did it change you?
A: I was 17 and I will forever be grateful for it because it taught me how I wanted to be loved and how I didn’t.
 
Q: What are you passionate about?
A: being creative and the creative process.

Q: If you had the courage to do anything you wanted, would it change the choices you make?

A: Absolutely. I would take a lot more risks if I had more courage to block out the fear of failure.   


Q: You come home one day and your living room is filled from floor to ceiling with avocados. What do you do?
A: Guacamole, anyone? (I can’t think of a funny joke…dammit)


Q: Men are pursuers; women are gatekeepers. True or false?
A: True (although I perused my partner, someone had to step up when were both hermits)  


Q: You wake up tomorrow in the body of the opposite sex. What do you do?
A: I look over at my partner and try to see what they have seen for the last ten years.

Q: Who do you love?

A: Those who need nothing but love from me

Q: Are you afraid of flying?

A: No never! I love ascending and descending it’s such a thrill!

Q: What's the most amazing sexual experience you've ever had?

A: No AC/July/Ice Cubes…..

Q: If you had a chance to spend two weeks camping in the desert by yourself, far from any civilization, would that sound fantastic or awful to you? What about if there were one other person with you? How about five?

A: I would actually love to be by myself in seclusion, it’s something that I dream of, to have the opportunity in life to have soul “me time”. However this is not my dream scenario. I would prefer to be far away in a mind body and soul center.

Q:What do you think happens to you after you die?

A: I Hope we are all at peace, wherever whatever that may be.

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SELFISH WAYS

I have never been the person to do anything for myself, it reminds me of the Friends’ episode “The one where Phoebe hates PBS”. Phoebe is challenged by Joey that there is no such thing as a selfless good deed, I myself never believed in doing the opposite, (doing selfish deeds for myself).

I can now say I have taken a few steps in that direction and it feels amazing! I thought that if I focused on myself and not others that would make me a bad person, self-involved and well I thought it was too selfish to do so. I went against my normal thinking and booked a few appointments that I had been wanting to do for years and years and well years!

One of the first appointments was my first of many I am sure laser tattoo removal! Yes it hurt but it was and is sooo worth it! The joy and excitement I felt in my inner core of my being for doing something %100 just for me was beyond rewarding. It’s sad in a way to think I have deprived myself of doing things solely for me for so long.

I now think twice before casting any judgement on others when I hear or see them doing things like getting their hair done, nails, spray tan, surgery etc. If it is just for you and something you have thought long and hard about or something small you do monthly to treat yourself, these things are NECCSASARY! Treating myself and spoiling myself makes me feel well its silly to say but I’ll say it with honesty, it makes me feel worthy.

Strange how that works isn’t it? I didn’t think I was worth anything so why bother doing things just for myself and doing such things would be so selfish, turns out it’s the opposite, I feel worthwhile and special making myself number one.

This just might be on ongoing journey….stay tuned……….

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