Disclaimer:
to put my mind at ease I wanted to add this disclaimer to all of my “over
sharing circle posts”. There will be five in total in the series. These
subjects will be detailed and personal and if you’re not comfortable with them,
please avoid reading them, as I don’t want to offend anyone. I plan on writing
about these subjects and touching on them many times in my future posts, but
will be going into personal depth in this series and feel the disclaimer
necessary. These subjects will all circle back and intertwine with each other,
hence: “circle posts”.
POST THREE: WEIGHT
This is a big subject and a touchy one for me and I’m sure a
sensitive subject for many women and girls.
THE BEGINNING: I gained weight when I hit puberty and the
sudden change in my body left me with stretch marks and feeling very
uncomfortable. As mentioned before in my first post I was depressed at this age
as well and to gain control over my life and home life I became anorexic. I
lost weight very fast over the summer and overcame my depression and then
stopped being anorexic due to my best friend’s father forcing me to eat (he was
intimidating to me, so I did as I was told), and gained a healthy amount of
weight back from being at my lowest of 108 pounds.
That summer I got attention from boys, had relationships
went out on the weekends, went to parties, events and social gatherings, got
out of my shell and had a blast.
I was leading a very busy life and lived in town in a few
different apartments and walked to school/work/friends’ houses every day all
day. I didn’t feel the need to worry about my food and kept my weight off. I
kept my weight off and was a healthy weight for many years, I was 5 4 and
approx. 130 pounds. I was satisfied with this however never happy with my body
image or thinking I looked slim. I believe this is related to body dismorphia.
I was in a happy relationship and started to gain weight as
I was cooking meals together and eating more throughout the day, before I would
tend to forget to eat and usually only eat when I remembered. (Not healthy).
The little bit of weight made me depressed and being depressed gave me anxiety
to deal with both I ate more and then the issue went around and around spinning
more out of control as I was gaining more and more weight.
Not knowing that I was highly depressed made for a very
confusing and unhappy time, it affected my relationship greatly.
I then felt like I had a better hold on my depression joined
Weight Watchers and lost approximately 45 pounds, I felt like myself again and
felt like I had self-confidence again and treated myself to clothes and dressed
nicely, I was better able to focus on my relationship and was more outgoing and
felt better in social gatherings. I allowed myself to be in photos and felt my
anxiety about my weight ease off, I also began to exercise regularly and felt
my body tone up I wore a bikini top in front of people for the first time, I
wore pants while swimming still as I was very shy, but it was improvement and I
felt so well.
That lasted only a few months and I began to binge eat and
the weight piled on quickly, in a few short months I had put back on what I had
worked so hard to loose. I felt like a total failure, like I had failed my
relationship and put my happiness of food in front of the happiness of my
relationship. I was so angry at myself, I tried to join weight watchers again a
few times but never stayed with it, tried every diet or diet/exercise program I
would get discouraged and fall off not having any will power and sinking back
into depression like quicksand. The more depressed the more I ate and the more
weight I put on.
I started back to my old ways of just wearing black, having
my hair in bun and yoga pants, retreating into a hole. Letting my depression
and anxiety have the best or rather all of me consuming everything. The only
thing that could get me to stop crying was the faces of my niece and nephew.
I got help this spring for my depression as I wrote about in
an earlier post. I am still at my heaviest weight and am in no way okay with
it, but I hope that this year will be different, the year of changes at a
turtles pace so that they stay permanent. Spring time next year is my goal for
being healthy, fit, active and happy. I am hopeful that I can do this.
I wish I could write about how I was currently exercising
and losing weight, but that’s not the truth I am trying to find my passion and
direction in life and hoping that it will help with my depression and anxiety
and by dealing with these issues I will find and stay on the path to weight
loss. I am not sure if it’s wise to talk numbers as a goal for my weight so I
will say my goal is to feel good in my own skin whatever that weight is, I want
to be healthy.
I do know this: I feel like a Stanger in my own body, I have
never felt this uncomfortable in my life, I am ashamed and retreating from
family and friends, I put on a brave face but it is a lie. I sometimes don’t
want to leave my house, I feel such sadness I cover up my body and sweat in the
summer months because I’m too uncomfortable to wear shorts, I can’t enjoy a
vacation as I’m so occupied on how I could be here at this place in time and how I just keep
failing to lose the weight. It makes me feel enormous guilt towards my
relationship and has brought so much stress to it as well. I don’t take
pictures, because I honestly hate the way I look, I don’t take care of myself
or my health and everything falls to the side as I don’t feel I’m worth
anything. I know all of these things but my anxiety and food addiction still
drives me. I want to win this battle so bad, but food always seems to win.
Anyone know what I’m talking about? I’m
not writing this for sympathy or as an excuse, I know what needs to happen its
just about getting their and staying strong and making changes.
I have a long road ahead of me, it’s daunting and causes me
anxiety which makes me want to eat…ughhh then I say oh next Monday …oh next
Monday….then a year goes by and I’m worse off than I was the year before.
I hope that by putting this out in the open on my blog I
will feel less shame and no I am a real person with real struggles trying to
get a hold of my life. I can use this as a constant reminder to make better
choices and stay strong, make changes for the better and work towards my goals.
I am not perfect but this is where I am at in life and I
need to make changes if I don’t want to be in this terrible cycle forever.
Today is a good day so far, wish me strength, and I wish you strength as well.
I am trying to climb out of this rut and better my life, it
won’t be easy but I know it will be worth it.
This post is dedicated to those of you caught in a rut, find
your passion, find your balance, and work towards your life’s bliss, I hope you
overcome whatever struggle you are going through.
Know that no matter what you are beautiful and loved, true
beauty is on the inside. I know this however being comfortable in your own skin
is something I want and wish for every woman. Let your light shine through
ladies. You’re all total beauties, I know it.
Thanks for stopping by loves
