VOICES NOT MY OWN

Anyone else out there have a realization in the middle of doing daily chores? For me it’s a regular occurrence. This morning I was sweeping my kitchen and deep in my own thoughts swishing around my mind and I realized, the thoughts were not mine  at all, I mean yes it was my mind thinking and producing them, but when I stopped to think about the thoughts they had someone else voice attached to them. To be honest I had noticed this before but hadn't gave it much time for fear of what it meant.

I hear Gs voice sometimes, as I forget a light on or I walk past crumbs on the floor, I let his voice narrate all of the worries I associate with him, by that I mean I worry I'm too lazy and don't keep up you cleaning the house to his desires, slack on cooking. We are our own worst critics I boost that and make it even more intense by hearing Garett's voice narrate, I never want to disappoint my loved ones and I think I create the ultimate monster to bear down on me and make sure I'm well aware of all of my worries, like its saying to me, "don't ignore me, I'm the one who keeps you from risk of failure". 

I'm not sure how much of this is making sense, I'm feeling kind of lost to the structure of writing this post, and usually I really try to make my thoughts clear in my writing.

Basically not only am I my own worst enemy I use the voices of my loved ones to critique myself and make myself even harder on myself. 

I need to remind myself that my mind loves to in any way in any voice send out thoughts of what it thinks protect myself, but in actuality from therapy I have learned they don't protect me in the way that helps my mental journey evolve and become healthy and self-loving. I will try to be more aware of not only my mind thinking these thoughts but my mind using my loved ones against me to place unwanted guilt or negativity on my day and life.

Anyone else experience this?

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POST OP WEEK 10

Post Op Update - 10 weeks since breast augmentation surgery.

I am feeling normal and feel like the swelling has mostly subsided, I have not experienced any more hyper sensitivity (thank goodness) and only daily small nerve pain, the nerve pain is very sharp and even more brief so I know whenever it happens it wont last long which is relieving. I do have days that I am still sore in the lower pole section and side sections but I'm sure that is normal as I'm still not fully healed and have some time left before I will be. I still think my size should be bigger or smaller sometimes, but I still have zero regrets about what size I did choose if that makes any sense. 

I'm feeling anxious to see how my scars heal and am trying to be optimistic that scars fade and they will look great at the end. 

I'm hoping to go for a post op check up in June or July with my surgeon at his request so he can see in person how things are healing. I'm looking forward to seeing him. 

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SUN AND SUNNIES

Spring has finally sprung in my little northern town, i forgot how good the sun feels on my face! That means breaking in new sunnies and bringing out my oldies but goodies!

Here is a small round up of my go to sunnies.

LINKED: (Top To Bottom) Le Spec Prince Glasses "Blue" / Le Spec Prince Glasses "Black"

Givency 7002/S D28e5 / Retrosuperfuture Ciccio Francis Saldatura

 

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BREAKING MY STREAK

Just typing this post increases my heartbeat and makes me anxious, just over a week ago I had a panic attack. I have had them in the past and they are paralyzing and extremely unpleasant. I hadn’t had one in over a year in a half which I was very proud of, but just like that my streak was gone.

Looking back it reminds me of watching the show “Mayday” (now in no way am I comparing what happens on that show to my life) simply just that they always explain that accidents are always caused by a series of events not just one event. That is how I feel a panic attack can occur. After it is over I can look back and see the series of events like stacked dominos lined up, the first one falls then another and another, then all of them are down and so am I.

A panic attack for me feels like I am frozen in fear, but at the same time my brain and heart are racing like the Daytona 500. I feel trapped and out of control all at the same time. In the past I’ve had panic attacks usually at home or in malls (one of my big triggers) however this last one was while driving. I felt safe still driving but couldn’t stop to put my vehicle in park, I thought driving was the only control I had, I ended up driving around for almost an hour and ended up at my sister’s house, the only place I could think of that might calm me and help ease my panic.

I never like to take help or bother anyone with my problems it makes me feel needy, but there was a small voice coming through while having my panic attack that said, you need your sister, it’ll help, it’s okay to ask for help. It was right as instincts usually are. I talked with my sister, visited and help my niece. I felt better after a few hours and headed home to have a hot shower and sleep, hoping tomorrow would be better.  

The reason for my post is that, maybe we are never truly healed or overcome anxiety, depression or panic attacks (all things I battle with) but maybe we learn to cope. Some days are great other’s not so much. I think remembering past panic attacks, I think I handled this last one better and I know that’s because of my work in therapy. The days after have been hard and not the best days but I can feel myself pushing forward, my fears of falling down into a deep dark whole of depression are just that, fears. NOT reality, at least not today. Fears are normal, I can’t get rid of them but I can choose to believe how truthful they are when it comes to my reality.

I can get through a really bad day, so can you. Don’t be afraid to seek help or ask a friend or family member. You don’t have to do this alone, easier said than done I know, but I’m working on it. …..

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ADVENTURES WITH MISS MARRA

Where do I start....I pretty much invited myself as a tag along third wheel with my sister and her husband. It was my Idea for them to go out for drinks a nice dinner and a movie.

I knew that I was going to be fine, I have been babysitting since I was 9years old and always seemed to pull through.

.............Well I’ve met my match and was defeated, that’s for sure. My sister put Marra down for her evening nap, she slept great a full 45 mins like she was supposed to and then woke up and we smiled and laughed for a minute or two, then I made the huge mistake to tell her out loud her mom and dad had left her with me, she’s 3 months old and looks at me like she knows exactly what I just said, makes her pouty lips.....I know what’s coming next...I’m a little nervous i hate when babies cry but I think it’ll only be a few minutes I’ll get her settled.

..........Nope! Marra refuses to stop screaming, won’t take her bottle, I destroy the hotel room in the process of trying to soothe her, I try changing her diaper, won’t take bottle, playing, laying on the bed, her blanket on the floor, swinging, bouncing, laughing, stern talking, bottle again, let’s try a bath, being naked, a soother, a bottle again, being swaddled, being rocked, being patted on the back, the bum, bottle again. It’s been 40 minutes of nonstop ear piercing screaming and then she puked she was crying so hard...so I admitted defeat and called her momma. Twenty minutes later her parents are back in the hotel room, all my sister does is say hello my girl and Marra instantly stops crying, takes her bottle and then looks directly at me and grins.

……yes Marra you booger you win, you wanted your momma you got her, I caved.

I was and still am bummed out that I didn’t get to help out the way I intended do, but it will make for a good story to tell when Miss Marra is older. Picture me exhausted finally eating my cold food at 10:00pm, food I ordered at 7pm and falling asleep next to a snoring Marra, and my sister and her husband eating their Lobster they had no chance to eat at the nice restaurant with plastic cutlery at 10:00pm watching hotel TV.

Well there is always next time? I’m not done trying Miss Marra!

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POST OP WEEK 6

Approaching week 6 and feeling normal again. I haven’t worn any tape on my incisions in almost 2 weeks, I was very nervous to not have the tape on at week 3 but then into week 4/5 I could see a lot of progress and healing which made me a lot more confident in no longer taping. The last week I have had much better luck with the hypersensitivity of my skin. The days go by easier and at night I’m feeling almost pain free, which has been so nice for sleeping.

I have started to sleep on my side half the night and with the help of pillows sometimes I sleep on my stomach, it feels so nice to fall asleep the way I am use too!!!! The little things in life!

I don’t take any Advil or Tylenol and try to do massage at night before I go to bed, I should be a lot better at massage but it hurts and makes me so much sorer, so I have been slacking.

I just sent in my 6 week photo updates to my surgeon and heard back that indeed the incisions have become red in color and in the first stage of healing which could take 6weeks to 6 months. I just want them to heal as faint as possible, to do so I have been using a scar gel cream from the surgeon’s office.

My next update won’t be until 3 months post op, then at 4 months I can hopefully travel back to Calgary to have a post op consult in person with the surgeon.

I’m so happy to be feeling better and more normal!

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OLIVE DESIGNS

This post is so exciting and fun to write about, I have a real reason to gush and state how proud I am of my sibling.

My younger sister has recently started a small company called: Olive Designs, she sells the cutest most modern teething accessories. I love how practical they are and yet fashion forward for both mommy and baby. I adore seeing anyone especially someone I love so much pursuing a goal of theirs, my sister Sara has talked about starting a small hobby/company for many many months. Im truly so proud of her and love her work.

For more information you can find her company: Olive Designs on Facebook & Instagram under olivedesigns17.

I cant help but share some of her work.
Images Via: Olive Designs

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