LIGHT AND NUMB

Well i knew the day would come when I was going to have to confront the truth to my therapist about my sex life. After all its one of the biggest issues and struggles I have, I have been avoiding bringing it up to my therapist because its not easy to talk about to anyone not even in the safest of places one which i consider my therapists office.

It was in the last minutes of my appointment  it all came out and he asked the question i knew was coming for a few visits know. It was uncomfortable and full of shame, however i felt light after revealing everything and every struggle i am going through. Being completely open and honest allows for improvement and change both things i'm desperate for. I left the appointment feeling hopeful and yet numb from tip to toe.

One foot in front of the other, one numb foot after the other. Music so loud to it could deafen, my numb toes pressing the gas pedal, i began the drive home. The drive home knowing it was all out in the open. Will it get better, will i overcome these struggles, all i know is i need to try, i want to try, i have to try.

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TWO EASY SENTENCES

You'll end up real disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you."

I need to do for myself what I do for others, i expect what i give to others to return to me, in fact i need to love myself first and treat myself to as much attention and care as i do to others. Two easy sentences may equal one huge life change.

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ONE NOW TWO

After years and well...more years of dealing and battling depression I knew it had took a toll on my partner. I have always felt guilty for what I have put him through and still do to this day. He has never complained only tried to keep being as supportive as possible.

The last few months I have noticed a change in his mood, he is recently going through a lot of life changes and I attributed it to exactly that. It surprises me that i never noticed what was really going on, he is depressed.

I never thought that this would happen I feel so ashamed that i haven't been paying attention enough to him and didn't notice it sooner, but this is not about me its about him.

Having your partner depressed leaves the most unsettling feeling I've experienced. I feel helpless and lack of a better word...sad for him.

We have talked about it and decided he needed to seek help in whatever form is needed. I would like to keep details of his struggle with depression private. I just wanted to share that its a feeling hard to type out when your partner is depressed, i thought having it myself i wouldn't be affected and would know exactly how it would feel, i was wrong. I feel helpless and worried. Me and G have been through hell and back and this is another hurtle to go through hand in hand and come out the other side; stronger, happier and mentally more stable than ever before. This situation is less than ideal, the fact that we both are struggling with depression scares me for our relationship, but just proves we are never alone in our struggles. Me and G need each other more than ever.

I need to remember to work on my relationship just as much and perhaps as badly as i need to work on myself. With hard work comes rewards. Lets work. 

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GOAL 30/THIRTY

Twenty seven down and less than three to go till thirty!

The perfect age to make a wish and goal come true, what is yours?

For G's 30th birthday I surprised him with a trip to Viva Las Vegas with our best friends, (a place he had been wanting to go) its a trip he talks about monthly and I am so happy we went and he has special memories to remember this special time in life.

Since our trip in September 2015, I have tried to come up with a location or activity that I wanted to do to celebrate my 30th year in life. I have gone back and fourth with a meaningful trip to Ireland to connect with my Irish roots. Or should i dip my feet in the ocean on a beautiful beach in Jamaica or Hawaii. With so many beautiful beaches and destinations i felt overwhelmed trying to pick the right one. I felt the need to pre-pick as I wanted plenty of time save for the vacation.

I decided to ask myself what I wanted out of this vacation and how I wanted to feel while their, this is for me and I want to enjoy and cherish every minute of it.

While scrolling through Instagram a few weeks ago I noticed stunning photos of  Amalfi Coast - Positano Italy, such mesmerizing beauty, i felt a calm wash over me each time i looked at a picture from this breathtaking place. I never feel as though i can slow my breath living with anxiety but when i look at pictures of those places i feel relaxed and calm like my whole body deeply breathing. I now know exactly where i want to go for my 30th birthday. It may be a very long flight, it may be very pricey, but for me this is what i want, this is what i need. I'm going to make it happen.

Italy or bust!!
xo

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DREAMS CRAZY DREAMS

I have always tried to contain my dreams and wishes in a very realistic attainable fashion. While this is practical and keeps things easy and simple and fear of failure at bay, it stifles my creativity and puts a limit on your mind.
I've realized i don't want to have a limit on my mind, what is the fun in that? No fun..that's what it is. I'm going to take the first step and write out my dreams as crazy as they are in a this blog post.....writing them is almost as nerve racking as saying them out loud and not adding....I know their just dreams i wont accomplish them. I'm taking those words out and just writing...just dreaming. Everyone has the right to dream as wildly and free as humanly possible.

Dreams Crazy Dreams:

I would love for my blog to have helped someone, anyone, just one would be amazing
I would love to look back and think i have had a passion and talent for writing
I dream one day i will be brave enough to show my blog to family and friends
I dream one day to sit in a bikini by the water and be focused on that moment not the way my body looks
I dream of a job working at home, being my own boss or working for a company setting my own schedule
I dream of travelling, Ireland, Hawaii, Italy, O.C., and beautiful beaches everywhere.
I dream of being in control of how my mind thinks about me and loving myself
I dream of feeling good in my body, healthy and capable
I dream of a healthy intimate relationship with the man i love
I dream of the day i love myself enough to pledge my commitment and love to someone else in marriage
I dream of the day when i feel purposeful and have made a life worth living
I dream of being selfless and remembering to do things for myself
I dream of being successful in a creative blogging field
I dream of one day being able to drive a motor bike
I dream of having amazing photos taken of me and G, ones we love to display
I dream of doing a goofy photo shoot to show me and Gs playful sides
I dream of doing a personal photo shoot just for G ;)

Dream madly in all that you do for their is no limitations on dreaming except the ones you put on yourself.

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WHEN LIFE CLICKS

Life can be so incredibly random at times its hard to comprehend, but yes its the most amazing feeling when one small sliver in life palls into place and feels like perhaps your on the right path after all.

High School for me was a long 8 years ago and while I've stayed in touch with a few of my high school classmates, most of them I have fallen out of touch. Its what happens after you graduate and move into different directions in life. I've thought of my past friends and where their lives might be now and if they ever wonder what I'm doing or if i will see their faces again.

Would i want to, would they know its me? Well....that's just what happened this week. Into my office walks a curly red haired beauty with the sweetest most amazing smile you'll ever encounter. 8 years since i had seen her but hug we did. It felt amazing and so needed, but for a reason i had yet to find out.

We did not get to visit as working comes first when your on the job, but a sweet Facebook message i did receive the following day, she had beat me to it as i was going to do the same. This message was as sweet as she always had been. With a few short paragraphs i encountered more similarities that i ever thought possible. Was this chance encounter meant to be? It felt like exactly that. Fast forward to a morning of messaging and phone numbers exchanged and future visits planned we both felt that was meant to happen and thankful we had gotten the chance to reconnect.

I am so excited to have reconnected with an old friend and so quickly established a bond over mutual hardships we both have been experiencing; i.e. depression, anxiety, weight. I would like to keep her specifics of course private but the fact that i have found an old friend who has gone through such similar issues is as she stated: "a much needed breath of fresh air".

Sometimes when you least expect it life can just...click....

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WEEKLY WASH

SO FRESH AND SO CLEAN, CLEAN!

I have been on the hunt since I started makeup to find and then try every makeup cleaner on the market from high end to low end, while they did as they said, cleaned my brushes.
I still wasn't satisfied, I felt my brushes were taking a beating and either had makeup residue left or cleaner residue left.

Then I seen a post about Boulevard Cosmetics Brush Cleaner & Conditioner and decided it would be next on my list to try.......I have never been more satisfied with a products claims! 

It was exactly that a brush cleaner that cleaned my brushes with such ease and effectiveness it was almost unbelievable, after my brushes dried they were soft and conditioned and felt better! I have been hooked! Plus its all you need, the lid has a little Velcro patch to scrub your brushes with that works great, an all in one system.

I buy mine on Morphe Brushes.............p.s. the hunts over why look more, I love it!!

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