YOUR MIND IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

Who in your life do you spend the most time with……your mind, that machine that never truly shuts down and one that has been silently programming itself throughout the years.

In my case over the years as I’ve struggled with depression, self-hate, shame, eating disorders I have hardwired my mind to a certain way of thinking, one that does nothing but fear.

Through the ups and downs of my life my mind has learned that if you fear something than I shouldn’t go forward I should stay as I am, that way there is no consequence of failure, nothing can go wrong, right? I’ve realized that I need to thank my mind for trying to protect me, trying to avoid pain and hurt.

The thoughts of self-hatred and shame I’ve programmed into my mind because of my weight have taken a toll. My mind fears more pain and shame if I was to try and change and then what if I fail.

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

The tactic to try and overcome my mind that is so distraught with fear it has been frozen in an ice age for the last three years……to simply thank my mind. After all it’s only trying to protect me from pain, something I’ve experienced enough of, so I’ve programmed it to be wary of everything that could cause pain.

My mind trying to protect me in the end has hurt me endlessly, I try nothing new and the situation and thought patterns there for don’t change.

I thank my mind for trying to protect me, then think what my goals are and am I letting my mind steer me towards my goals or away from them. What are my values? Is my mind steering me towards my values or away by making the decision that is in question.

The verdict: My Mind Is Not My Friend……….although it seeks to protect with all of the thoughts it send out that constantly swirl around and repeat in my brain, they are thoughts I need to diffuse. I need to diffuse from my mind…….wish me luck.

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HOLDING BACK WHILE MOVING FORWARD

HOLDING BACK WHILE MOVING FORWARD

I am very aware that the title of this post is confusing, however that is exactly how I feel at this moment. CONFUSED.

I am starting to notice small and small improvements and progress with therapy, I go every two weeks and at the last two sessions I as well as my therapist have notice micro changes for the better. He assures me that micro improvements are exactly what he sees from patients with similar problems, he also assures me these changes are leaning towards the path that I want to be on and one he agrees with as well.

This is by far the most excited and accomplished I have felt since starting therapy, I know its changes at a snail’s pace….but they are still changes!

What are these changes I am speaking of? To some I completely understand how small and insignificant they could be, to me change is huge! I have noticed that I worry less, as compared to before when every minute of every day I was worried and stressed about things completely out of my control. I feel with the techniques in therapy I am doing better at focusing my worries, by that I mean; when I am worrying about something that can’t be fixed by worrying than there is no point! I must move on with my day and shift my focus. I have also started to try and shift my focus onto what values as a person I hold to be important, when making a decision before I always thought it would be the wrong choice, now I try to compare the outcomes e.g. Will saying yes lead me down the path towards my values and goals or will it lead me away? If I say no will that lead me towards my goals or will it lead me away? I love this tool I learned in therapy as it really helps me focus on making decisions and feeling confident in them. I can rationalize to myself out loud that even if there are negative consequences as long as I am making a choice that coincides with my values and goals that I know I need to do so.

I have also tried to use many tools I have learned in therapy when it comes to emotional eating, I am becoming a lot more aware of triggers and exact reasons why I emotionally eat although I have yet to lose weight or really consider anything in this area of my life improving.

I have discussed staying on my anti depression meds for the time being as they balance out my emotions and let me stabilized my mood swings. I am fine being on them I know it’s not necessary for life but it’s what I need for the time being.

This progress is exciting for me but I keep a part hidden from my therapist I completely hold back hoping that by staying the course and committing to therapy will in turn give me the tools for myself to fix my inner hidden issues, ones I’ve yet to be comfortable with my therapist to talk with. I’m torn sometimes with thoughts that my progress would go better if I was honest with everything I have issues with, but is that true? Is it better to be just focusing on what I’m comfortable talking with and see how that affects all my issues, maybe I’ll never have to talk about it?

Maybe I can hold back and keep moving forward???

 

 

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BUT I DON’T WANNA……

BUT I DON’T WANNA……

I know that it’s so childish and pointless but I really despise birthdays! I don’t wanna have one, I don’t wanna get older, I just plain old don’t wanna deal with my birthday each year!

My birthday is in less than a month and while I’m super excited for family supper and birthday cake and a few gifts from loved ones (that’s my fav part) but can’t I just stay the same age?

The reason isn’t what you would think; I don’t mind the actual number of my age climbing upwards. It’s usually a good thing and something to be positive about. You are wiser, learned life lessons and have been through ups and downs that shape who you are and who I am yet to become.

The part that makes me cringe is I measure birthdays each year by what I have done within the last year of my life. I use it as a tool to measure my success or lack thereof.

What have I done to be a better person, am I better person than a year ago? Have I reached any of my goals? Happy with my job? Happy in general? Working out and being healthy? At my goal weight or have I put on weight? Conquered my depression? Financially secure and stable? Blogging and being successful at it?

The questions go on and on and all loop back to one general idea. “Am I who I want to be after another year of my life has gone by? I then start the process of robbing myself of any joys I do have, I start comparing my life to others, what they have accomplishes and they are the same age or younger, they must feel so great when it’s their birthdays? While I waste mine with nothing to show for it?

Or my worst fear which it seems is every year, have I watched another 365 days come and go and have no goals reached and I’m left feeling I’ve wasted a year of my life and precious time here on earth.

Does anyone else feel like this on their birthdays!?

I know I will be feeling like this again this year when my birthday arrives……..

My solution this year will be to try and focus on everything I do have and to try and be as grateful as possible.

 

 

 

 

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SOULFULL NOTES

I feel like I have an obsessive personality when it comes to music, I love all music in general, it can mend the soul, feel the soul, and set the soul on fire!

 

I love when I find music that speaks to my soul in a very special way, not that I just love the words but something I cant identify or put into words well, I usually just say it just makes me "feel".

 

My current obsession: Chris Stapleton, every song!

 

That voice, that talent, YouTube one of his live performances of "Devil named music" you wont regret it!

 

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REAL REALIZATIONS

 

If I let my mind wonder in the opposite direction it normally chooses what does it want to think?

 

It has realizations my normal negative thoughts usually push out before I can actually let them sink in and give them a chance.

 

What am I mumbling about?

 

REAL REALIZATIONS....

 

Maybe just maybe my mind focuses on everything I'm failing at that I m blind to the things I am succeeding at, like a hazy filter I cant focus on, the negative seem so clear and crisp and detailed, while the positive seem the opposite. No matter how small the success its still something I worked for and should feel positive about, after all I always focus on every little negative detail why cant I try and shift my mind into a different focus of detail, giving myself credit for what I have done, where I am now.

 

Maybe just maybe forcing my self to make these positive success's clear to myself and saying out loud I should be proud of them will make me push for and work for more.

 

Isn't it all about believing? That's where I find myself in trouble, I have to face the realization that I don't love myself.....never have. I need to face this head on in order to continue working on my other problems; weight, depression, anxiety, motivation, success...etc.

 

I could babble on about this for endless sentences but ill keep it to a few realizations at a time.

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FEAR & LOATHING CONQUERED BY QUOTES

 

 

 

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HIATUS & BUTTRFLIES

Its been almost three months since my fingertips touched this keyboard, the butterflies build as I type. Its been too long, and do I have a reason for my hiatus.....not any that I can justify anyways.

Truth be told I let laziness and excuses and the judgement I put on my soul make my decisions. I thought if their was no success in my future, why would I or should I continue, I expect my improvement to be overnight and have exactly what others success is to be.

Success wasn't even my goal, the whole reason I started this blog was to write and express myself and my words to have a journal of my life, my likes, my loves to look back on. Weather that journal be a success or failure it only matters what I truly think of this blog. NO ONE ELSE. (reminder to myself)

I sit here wondering why I let the earth spin around me while I feel like I stand still, frozen in fear or the perception of failure. Isn't giving up without even trying the worst type of failure?

Bottom line, I enjoy writing. THE END.

OR IS IT THE BEGINNING.

Ill consider this three month hiatus just a bump in the road, ill consider the butterflies I feel inside as a reason to keep going, ill consider that my fingers still want to type a reason to continue.

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