TAKING IT ALL ON

My close family and friends would agree that I often take on tasks and organize events to the fullest extent. Meaning I well….go completely overboard and past my budget. I absolutely love planning and organizing small events, especially when it comes to the décor aspect. I love scrolling Pinterest and finding creative décor ideas and planning tips and tricks, I’m seriously such a Pinterest addict! My favorite part is thinking of an overall theme or look for the event and then planning around that as my goal.

I am definitely no party planner or décor expert, but I do like to try and make each event unique and special for the person I’m hosting it for. I have done three baby showers, three wedding showers and Stagette and a few other odds and ends.

I really try and think what the personality is like of the special guest of honor. My goal is to make them feel as special as possible and have a wonderful time.

Anyone else like planning?

Due to my history in planning events I have let people walk on me, for lack of a better phrase. If other people involved in planning an event are slacking or making no effort I feel it’s my duty to step up and devote all my time and cash into making the event special, It kills me to think someone would be disappointed by their party, if I can help, even if it’s not my job or role to do so I have always stepped up. This has become a bit of a sore subject for me and G as it does add a lot of stress to my life. It’s nothing I can’t handle, however G feels I am always taking on that responsibility when it’s not mine to take and putting myself in a position to deplete my bank account and time. I have been thinking lately that he is right, I don’t need to try and make everything so perfect, as long as I try hard, there is no need to go overboard and there is also no need to take on other people’s responsibilities as my own, I need to let that go and let it be. Whatever may happen, will happen, it’s not all up to me.

Releasing control is hard, but feeling drained and worn out and UN appreciated for doing too much is harder.

You don’t need to be perfect, I don’t need to be perfect, so maybe I should stop trying to be…..

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THIS IS WHY

We (me and G) were on our way home from a belated birthday dinner for Gs’ 32^nd birthday. I like usual lately was talking about my little sister and her soon becoming a mom. I am beyond excited to snuggle that little ball of cuteness when it arrives. Back to my story though, before I ramble on a million cute adjectives for newborn babies!

G asked what I was doing on my phone while we were on our way home, he then said: “let me guess something for your sister”. Frustrating how he always knows, or maybe I’m extremely predictable. We will go with a little of both. I replied by agreeing I was trying to decide how to get her closet baby ready. He looked at me and very seriously asked the question he has asked many times before. “Why do you put so much of yourself into others like your little sister and not yourself, it bothers me to be honest”? I had explained before how I feel very protective of my family and like to make them happy and feel cherished with attention and gifts. He knows this but not the whole story, I decided to explain in depth to see if he would better understand and it would relieve his worries.

When I was growing up as a young teenager I followed suit and picked on my little sister, that’s what was done to me and others, I will never forget making my little helpless sister cry on our bus ride home one day, from that day on I stopped if it was going to cause tears from someone I loved it was not the right thing to do to follow others to be so called “cool”. From that moment on I was very protective of my little sister, I needed to be the one to watch over her and protect her not be a bully and mean sister.

When I was 14/15 years old home life was tough (divorcing/fighting parents) and me being extremely independent didn’t agree with my mother’s new boyfriend and packed my clothes and bed up and moved to an apartment with a part time job and still going to high school. I had an extremely hard time leaving my sister. I had zero worries about what I was doing for myself would be best except the guilt of leaving her in that house. I knew that I couldn’t provide for her so what was best was to let her live at home while I left. I left her in a home ravaged by divorce and anger, not the ideal place in my opinion.

If it wasn’t for my sisters strong soul it might not have turned out for the better, she leaned on her boyfriend and his family for the kind of support a teenager requires and needs. I was always there for her or I tried to be anyways, I still had and still do have a pang of guilt for not being able to help her more. Thankfully my sister is an amazing person and soon to be mommy and she has made a wonderful happy life for herself, one I am very proud of.

However the thoughts of her missing out on some of her childhood and having divorced damaged parents still leads me to try and be her protector and as G says her second mom. In a way I agree and in a way I know its UN needed as she is a strong young woman, but that doesn’t stop me. In the end I’m her sister and that word means more to me than words can explain.

I am a fixer, a worrier, a gift giver, listener, guilt obsessed person just trying to be a good sister and good person. This is why I do what I do for her.

In the end G understood why.

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REFRAIN RESTRAIN

The latest in therapy techniques might be the most “out their “of the ones I have tried to implement.

I like to think of therapy tools and techniques as sciences experiments, we discuss, we strategize, we implement. (We me and my therapist).   I try to implement different techniques into my life to help deal with my anxiety, depression, shame and guilt.

The newest tools is to deal with my body shame.

Background: at this particular therapy session we further discussed my body shame, when it comes to wearing a dress, going out to an event, being intimate, my mind goes to three stages of shame instantaneously.

First: No Don’t Do That, second: Because you’re not worth it, you’re fat, third: There Is No Point, move on and don’t do it.  SHAME AT ITS FINEST FOR ME, this is how a lot of my decisions are done.

Now to move past this way of thinking is hard as I have come to the realization I will never re-train my brain to completely think differently. I can think of the three shaming phrases that come into my head as simply words. WORDS.

This is where the tool comes in, the weird tool. I try to implement singing these words to memorable chorus’s, repeat with celebrity voices outload, after doing so several times the words become well, just words. They lose the attachment from my mind that they are my own words so they must be truth because I thought them, they just are words.

By putting this into practice it becomes my latest experiment, I’ll see if it sticks and report back at my next therapy session and from that we gather the evidence on should we tweak the tool, keep using the tool, move on to a different tool.

So for now I’m saying: “No don’t do that, because you’re not worth it, you’re fat, there is no point, move on and don’t do it”. In the voice of Donald Duck & Christopher Walken.

 

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