HOLDING BACK WHILE MOVING FORWARD

HOLDING BACK WHILE MOVING FORWARD

I am very aware that the title of this post is confusing, however that is exactly how I feel at this moment. CONFUSED.

I am starting to notice small and small improvements and progress with therapy, I go every two weeks and at the last two sessions I as well as my therapist have notice micro changes for the better. He assures me that micro improvements are exactly what he sees from patients with similar problems, he also assures me these changes are leaning towards the path that I want to be on and one he agrees with as well.

This is by far the most excited and accomplished I have felt since starting therapy, I know its changes at a snail’s pace….but they are still changes!

What are these changes I am speaking of? To some I completely understand how small and insignificant they could be, to me change is huge! I have noticed that I worry less, as compared to before when every minute of every day I was worried and stressed about things completely out of my control. I feel with the techniques in therapy I am doing better at focusing my worries, by that I mean; when I am worrying about something that can’t be fixed by worrying than there is no point! I must move on with my day and shift my focus. I have also started to try and shift my focus onto what values as a person I hold to be important, when making a decision before I always thought it would be the wrong choice, now I try to compare the outcomes e.g. Will saying yes lead me down the path towards my values and goals or will it lead me away? If I say no will that lead me towards my goals or will it lead me away? I love this tool I learned in therapy as it really helps me focus on making decisions and feeling confident in them. I can rationalize to myself out loud that even if there are negative consequences as long as I am making a choice that coincides with my values and goals that I know I need to do so.

I have also tried to use many tools I have learned in therapy when it comes to emotional eating, I am becoming a lot more aware of triggers and exact reasons why I emotionally eat although I have yet to lose weight or really consider anything in this area of my life improving.

I have discussed staying on my anti depression meds for the time being as they balance out my emotions and let me stabilized my mood swings. I am fine being on them I know it’s not necessary for life but it’s what I need for the time being.

This progress is exciting for me but I keep a part hidden from my therapist I completely hold back hoping that by staying the course and committing to therapy will in turn give me the tools for myself to fix my inner hidden issues, ones I’ve yet to be comfortable with my therapist to talk with. I’m torn sometimes with thoughts that my progress would go better if I was honest with everything I have issues with, but is that true? Is it better to be just focusing on what I’m comfortable talking with and see how that affects all my issues, maybe I’ll never have to talk about it?

Maybe I can hold back and keep moving forward???

 

 

Read More »

BUT I DON’T WANNA……

BUT I DON’T WANNA……

I know that it’s so childish and pointless but I really despise birthdays! I don’t wanna have one, I don’t wanna get older, I just plain old don’t wanna deal with my birthday each year!

My birthday is in less than a month and while I’m super excited for family supper and birthday cake and a few gifts from loved ones (that’s my fav part) but can’t I just stay the same age?

The reason isn’t what you would think; I don’t mind the actual number of my age climbing upwards. It’s usually a good thing and something to be positive about. You are wiser, learned life lessons and have been through ups and downs that shape who you are and who I am yet to become.

The part that makes me cringe is I measure birthdays each year by what I have done within the last year of my life. I use it as a tool to measure my success or lack thereof.

What have I done to be a better person, am I better person than a year ago? Have I reached any of my goals? Happy with my job? Happy in general? Working out and being healthy? At my goal weight or have I put on weight? Conquered my depression? Financially secure and stable? Blogging and being successful at it?

The questions go on and on and all loop back to one general idea. “Am I who I want to be after another year of my life has gone by? I then start the process of robbing myself of any joys I do have, I start comparing my life to others, what they have accomplishes and they are the same age or younger, they must feel so great when it’s their birthdays? While I waste mine with nothing to show for it?

Or my worst fear which it seems is every year, have I watched another 365 days come and go and have no goals reached and I’m left feeling I’ve wasted a year of my life and precious time here on earth.

Does anyone else feel like this on their birthdays!?

I know I will be feeling like this again this year when my birthday arrives……..

My solution this year will be to try and focus on everything I do have and to try and be as grateful as possible.

 

 

 

 

Read More »