LIGHT AND NUMB

Well i knew the day would come when I was going to have to confront the truth to my therapist about my sex life. After all its one of the biggest issues and struggles I have, I have been avoiding bringing it up to my therapist because its not easy to talk about to anyone not even in the safest of places one which i consider my therapists office.

It was in the last minutes of my appointment  it all came out and he asked the question i knew was coming for a few visits know. It was uncomfortable and full of shame, however i felt light after revealing everything and every struggle i am going through. Being completely open and honest allows for improvement and change both things i'm desperate for. I left the appointment feeling hopeful and yet numb from tip to toe.

One foot in front of the other, one numb foot after the other. Music so loud to it could deafen, my numb toes pressing the gas pedal, i began the drive home. The drive home knowing it was all out in the open. Will it get better, will i overcome these struggles, all i know is i need to try, i want to try, i have to try.

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TWO EASY SENTENCES

You'll end up real disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you."

I need to do for myself what I do for others, i expect what i give to others to return to me, in fact i need to love myself first and treat myself to as much attention and care as i do to others. Two easy sentences may equal one huge life change.

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ONE NOW TWO

After years and well...more years of dealing and battling depression I knew it had took a toll on my partner. I have always felt guilty for what I have put him through and still do to this day. He has never complained only tried to keep being as supportive as possible.

The last few months I have noticed a change in his mood, he is recently going through a lot of life changes and I attributed it to exactly that. It surprises me that i never noticed what was really going on, he is depressed.

I never thought that this would happen I feel so ashamed that i haven't been paying attention enough to him and didn't notice it sooner, but this is not about me its about him.

Having your partner depressed leaves the most unsettling feeling I've experienced. I feel helpless and lack of a better word...sad for him.

We have talked about it and decided he needed to seek help in whatever form is needed. I would like to keep details of his struggle with depression private. I just wanted to share that its a feeling hard to type out when your partner is depressed, i thought having it myself i wouldn't be affected and would know exactly how it would feel, i was wrong. I feel helpless and worried. Me and G have been through hell and back and this is another hurtle to go through hand in hand and come out the other side; stronger, happier and mentally more stable than ever before. This situation is less than ideal, the fact that we both are struggling with depression scares me for our relationship, but just proves we are never alone in our struggles. Me and G need each other more than ever.

I need to remember to work on my relationship just as much and perhaps as badly as i need to work on myself. With hard work comes rewards. Lets work. 

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GOAL 30/THIRTY

Twenty seven down and less than three to go till thirty!

The perfect age to make a wish and goal come true, what is yours?

For G's 30th birthday I surprised him with a trip to Viva Las Vegas with our best friends, (a place he had been wanting to go) its a trip he talks about monthly and I am so happy we went and he has special memories to remember this special time in life.

Since our trip in September 2015, I have tried to come up with a location or activity that I wanted to do to celebrate my 30th year in life. I have gone back and fourth with a meaningful trip to Ireland to connect with my Irish roots. Or should i dip my feet in the ocean on a beautiful beach in Jamaica or Hawaii. With so many beautiful beaches and destinations i felt overwhelmed trying to pick the right one. I felt the need to pre-pick as I wanted plenty of time save for the vacation.

I decided to ask myself what I wanted out of this vacation and how I wanted to feel while their, this is for me and I want to enjoy and cherish every minute of it.

While scrolling through Instagram a few weeks ago I noticed stunning photos of  Amalfi Coast - Positano Italy, such mesmerizing beauty, i felt a calm wash over me each time i looked at a picture from this breathtaking place. I never feel as though i can slow my breath living with anxiety but when i look at pictures of those places i feel relaxed and calm like my whole body deeply breathing. I now know exactly where i want to go for my 30th birthday. It may be a very long flight, it may be very pricey, but for me this is what i want, this is what i need. I'm going to make it happen.

Italy or bust!!
xo

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